Office memo

Read the following announcement

This is what happened when a certain Company posted the following memo:

OFFICE MEMO:

May all members of staff please note that there will only be  one drink per person  at this year's Christmas Party. And please bring  your own cup !

Regards,

Management

Then scroll down

 

 

 

 

  

Michelin

New Tyres

            

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Toon Time

Toon time       

    

    

Reservation

Technorati Tags : reservation, deewar

Silly things to think about:

Here are a few things to ponder.... Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?....

Yes i do sometimes...:)

Thoughts on Women

# Thought 1 #
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to
be liberated from?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 2 #
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end,
the mourners wondering too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

# Thought 3 #
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
"If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
--------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 4 #
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as
her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was
wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could
feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the
secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today
is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what
his daughter gave him and continued,

"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

Funny Emails is worth...

Not much...lol.

Hey wait a minute from $0.00 to this in 12 months...well...

 

My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?

Thats something to talk about...

More humor on Reservations

Manmohan Singh (PM-India) to Bush(President- USofA) - We are sending
Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronnaut

Crazy Google Ads has to be one of the most inspired concept that I have come across in the blogosphere. Yeah, I came to it through the next blog button...Read and Enjoy!!!

Its a woman's world...repeat

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,If after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question
was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even
the most knowledgeable man,

And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was
better than death. He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to
poll everyone:

The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only
she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch
was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot,
The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's
closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified.She was hunch-backed and
hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene
noises, etc. He had never encountered such repugnant creature in all
his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure
such a terrible burden,

But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He
said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.And
the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was
proclaimed and the witch answered.

Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to
be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew
that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life
would be spared. And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and
the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and,
Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the
bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he
had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so
kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her
horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful
maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him.
"Beautiful during the day ... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the
privacy of his castle, an old witch!

Or, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by
night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,

He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.
Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life. Now... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is...

1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!

2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

I have often wondered

Now I Know...!!!

  

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Male Brain

   

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Do you think he is a

Trend Setter????

      

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The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry
out an audit of the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: "What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover)
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers,and every now and then they send a
free box of matzo balls."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover fore
skins from the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once
a year they send us a complete dick!"

Female and Male prayer

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with great boobs
who owns a liquor store
and a fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme
and I don't care

Surprise

Guess Who...

  

    

  

  

Drive Carefully

Car accidents dont just happen to cars...

 

  

    

Art

Art - In The Economist

 

  

Technorati Tags : The+Economist

Child Bear

Whats Indian for a Cold Alchoholic Beverage?

 

  

Whachamacallit

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The
town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in
an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids
and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and
High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and
Anal Retentives." Still not good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds
and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass
Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?"
Uh-uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget
it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it,
and finally everybody was happy.

Air Deccan

WELCOME TO AIR DECCAN !

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL
welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air Deccan ..

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad
Weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we
will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may
even be landing on your village!

Air Deccan has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety
standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with
us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over
30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant
and memorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and Wada pav. For our
not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our
movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Kingfisher Airline,
where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in
the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us
to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as
possible. For the best view , if however, we go a little too close,
do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right
through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off
and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a
seat-belt, kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.

ENJOY FLYING AIR DECCAN !

Early week Jokes

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 ****************

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed.

We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

 **************
 

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

**************

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Whats In a Name...

Whats In a Name you say??? Ask the Biharis...

Hi,

A man from Bihar was away from his wife for four (4) years while his
wife was in Patna (Bihar).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in
office stating that his ! wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy
event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the
wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken
care,then the name would be "DWIVEDI";

If it is the third neighbour then it would be "TRIVEDI",

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be "CHATURVEDI";

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be "PANDEY"...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named
"MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be "SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour? Then
the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then? "It is YAAD-AV"

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? Then it will be
named "DOSHI"...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire? Then
he will be named "JOSHI"...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
"DESHPANDEY."

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.  
 
 He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

 
 The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
 
 
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.   "My name is Puddles."

********************
Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around
A Woman's Nipples For? A: Its Braille For "Suck Here".

Q: Why Did God Give Men Penises?
A: So They'd Have At Least One Way To Shut A Woman Up.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Can't You Trust A Woman?
A: How Can You Trust Something That Bleeds For Five Days And Doesn't Die?

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: What's The Speed Limit Of Sex?
A: 68; At 69 You Have To Turn Around.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: They Don't Have Balls To Scratch.

A seed of Kindness

A Seed of Kindness

One winter night, an old couple dashed into the lobby of a small Philadelphia hotel, hoping for a room. But the clerk said, "All the rooms are full."

As they started to leave he said, "Would you be willing to sleep in my room? It's not a suite, but I think you'll be comfortable." At first they were reluctant, but he insisted, "Don't worry; I can sleep in the office." So they accepted.

The next morning when it was time to check out, the old gentleman said to the clerk, "Thank you: you should be the manager of the best hotel in the country. Maybe some day I'll build one for you." The clerk was amused, smiled, and thanked him.

Two years later the clerk received a round-trip ticket to New York City, and a letter thanking him again for his kindness. The old couple was inviting him to come and visit them. Although he's forgotten the incident, he decided to accept their offer.

When he arrived in New York City, they took him to the corner of 34th street and 5th Avenue. "That," said the elderly gentleman, pointing to a magnificent skyscraper, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage."

The clerk said, "You must be joking" "I can assure you I'm not," he said.

The old gentleman's name was William Waldorf Astor. The hotel was the original Waldorf-Astoria. The young clerk was George C. Bolt-its first manager.
Don't forget to sow another seed of kindness today, for you can never tell what your harvest will be.

Bored at office?

If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:

 

1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!

4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.

5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).

6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.

7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

8. Make faces at strangers in office.

9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.

10. Learn to whistle.

11. Revise last week's newspaper.

12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.

14. Compile "How to waste your day"

15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.

16. Have work breaks in between tea.

17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.

18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.

19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

20. Read jokes and send jokes.

21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.


And if you are still getting bored.........................then

 
22. Fwd this mail to everyone u know ….

Murphy's Laws

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will
discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
a damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said
there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held
responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person
quits or is fired.

18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but
there is always enough time to do it over.

19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of
Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

22. People are always available for work in the past tense.

23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"

29. The longer the title, the less important the job.

30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
repairman arrives.

31. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

35. If anything can go wrong, it will.

36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

37. Everything takes longer than you expect.

38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
that will do the most damage will go wrong first.

39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.

40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.

41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.

43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

44. Mother Nature is a bitch.

45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.

46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a
problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be
immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.

47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
do as it damn well pleases. -- Harvard's Law

49. Never replicate a successful experiment. -- Fett's Law

50. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- von Braun

51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White

52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information
available is inversely proportional to the importance of the
decision. -- Cooke's Law

53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point
upwards from the floor-especially in the dark. -- Ross's Law

54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the
description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of
the dish. -- Calkin's Law of Menu Language

55. Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -- Anthony's Law of Force

56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner
of the workshop. -- Anthony's Law of the Workshop

57. Arnold's Laws of Documentation:

(1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of
date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.

58. Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in
the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and
richer male friend.

59. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize
them into a committee -- that will do them in.

60. DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one
you don't want hits the paper.

61. Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean
windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam,
you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home
exam, you will forget where you live.

63. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most
obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

64. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself --
historians merely repeat each other.

Bandages on Bum

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down
his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place
he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing
pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the
room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?" "Well," Lena said, "it
could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through
the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those
Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians,
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains no spine, and the head and the
ass are interchangeable."

New management Policy

Dear All,

Following Rules shall be adhered to With

Immediate Effect.

Pls Co -Operate...

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open and a picture will be taken ..

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health policy !

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have
to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Smart Sardar...???

Sardarji is in a QuizContest trying to win prize


The questions are as follows:

1)      How long was  the 100 yr war?

A)       116
B)       99
C)       100
D)      150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2)  In  which country are the Panama hats  made?

A)       BRASIL
B)       CHILE
C)       PANAMA
D)      EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University  students

3) In which  month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A)       JANUARY
B)       SEPTEMBER
C)       OCTOBER
D)      NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4)  Which of  these was King George VI first name?

A)       EDER
B)       ALBERT
C)       GEORGE
D)      MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary  Islands, in  the Pacific  Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

           A)       CANARYBIRD
           B)       KANGAROO
           C)       PUPPY
           D)      RAT

Sardar gives up.
 
If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardarji's  replies, Then please check the answers below:

....

....

....

....

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from  1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in  November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In  1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
 which means   islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb  one....
 
Don't  ever laugh at a Sardar again

Where would you be...?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...  

YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES..

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE ??? ...

.
.
.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.
.

     IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE......THATS WHERE!

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These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

_________________________________________________

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

________________________________________

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

________________________________________

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

__________________________________________

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

___________________________________________

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

___________________________________________

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

___________________________________________

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"Bollywood" Humour

What is Mallika Sherawat's method of taking revenge?

It's tits for tat.

Why does Shahrukh Khan drink himself to death in Devdas?

Any self-respecting man would do so if the two beautiful ladies around him would sing 'Dildo La Re Dildo La Re..'

What is the appropriate title for a movie, which stars A.K Hangal and Chunky Pandey?

Hangal Pandey

What will a mother tell her son who is sleeping on a footpath and refuses to get up?

Beta Uth Jaa Warna Salman Aa Jaayega (Get up else Salman will come)

Which are the two countries Mallika Sherawat would like to go on a vacation?

'Bra'zil and 'Thai'land

How would you express your good wishes to Mallika Sherawat?

Bust of Luck!

What would you call Adnan Sami if he becomes half his size?

Adnan Semi.

Why do the exhibitors and distributors prefer to call Mangal Pandey as The Rising?

Because of The'ir' Rising temperatures


If Vivek Oberoi marries Aishwarya and becomes Joru Ka Ghulam what will he be called?

Vivek-Obey-Rai

What will you call the value meal consisting of a bun bread, tea and Pepsi?

Bun Tea and Bubbly

THE BEER PRAYER

THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
FOREVER AND EVER.

- AMEN

Do u have a male or female brain

This is very interesting do tell me does it really works for you or not?

Well are u male or a female?

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But, don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text in 15 seconds:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK? How many?

Three? (You r definitely male!!!)

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has a brain of a
Female!!! Gr8 processing!!!!

You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl (?) near you to work it out.

IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH

 
OBJECTIVE
 
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
 

EDUCATION
School : Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask
 

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
 

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
 

The snake and the bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said
the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been
blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have
a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

Men are Happier

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes. No wonder men are happier...

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it.

-- I aint saying I am good ... I am the best !

STELLA AWARDS.

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards."

The Stella's are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case
inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits
in the United States. Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury
of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and
a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog
might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was
awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mrs.Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back &make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded
her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed
their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any
other complete morons around.

Some cool Facts...very interesting

1] If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your
right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food
on your left side

[2] If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For
when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

[3] Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

[4] Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there
is a thin film of bacteria on it.

[5] The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the
best or nothing'.

[6] The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

[7] The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person
looks at something pleasing.

[8] The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less
sleep a night.

[9] Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the
immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a
day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

[10] Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused
man to make a chicken affectionate."

[11] Dalmatians are born without spots.

[12] Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

[13] The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus',
but for 'and' (in civil proceedings] or 'against' (in criminal proceedings]

[14] Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts
have the buttons on the left

[15] The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All
other birds raise their lower eyelids

[16] The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been
digested by a bee

[17] Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

[18] The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to
release calming hormones

[19] Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

[20] Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for
your heart

[21] The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

[22] When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

[23] When Hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

[24] The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used
a tomato can for a carburetor

[25] The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

[26] Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

[27] Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag
of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan

[28] It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million
to make a film about it

[29] The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples

[30] There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower

[31] The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the
sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

[32] Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

[33] It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body

[34] The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

[35] Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game

[36] The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea
in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air

[37] Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are
born, and 140,000 people die

[38] In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is
10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it
look like it is smiling.)

[39] Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish
speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

[40] The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its
head are the rabbit and the parrot

[41] Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

[42] The average person laughs 13 times a day

[43] Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:
Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

[44] Women blink nearly twice as much as men

[45] German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog

[46] Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump

[47] Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than
the speed of sound

[48] Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death

[49] If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received
in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural cause.

[50] The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt
blood 30 feet!!

nice1

A recently arrived Sardar in the US, wanting to earn some money,
decides to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in
an upmarket colony nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest
house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for
him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," the owner says.
The Sardar responds, "How about $50?" The owner says "Fine - there's
a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."
The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation says
to her husband, "Does he realise that the porch goes all around the
house? That's a whole day's job"
The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's
dumb?" "No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those
stupid Surd email jokes we keep receiving."
A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $
50. "You've finished already?" the husband asks. "Yes," he replies,
"and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him.

And by the way," the Turbanator adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"

Cows and bruce lee.. Indian Humour

Advaniism
You have two cows. You don't milk them. You worship them.
 
Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.
 
Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.
 
Karunanidhiism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.
 
Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
 
Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.
 
Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattle-feed for them.
 
Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.
 
Rajivism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.
 
Vajpayeeism
You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattle-feed.
 
Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors' cows.
 
Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.
 
Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.
 
UN-ism
You have two cows. You don't milk them; you only lecture to them.

Bruce Lee

1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
-   Mu Lee

2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
-   Tha Lee

3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over?
-  Kha Lee

4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
-   Saa Lee
 
5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
-  Id Lee

6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival
-   Diwa Lee

7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
-  Sona lee

8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
-  Qawa lee

9) Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
-   Coo Lee

10) When did Bruce Lee die?
-  Final Lee

11) How did Bruce Lee die?
-   With a Go Lee
 
12) What is Bruce Lee's favorite hill station
-  Kulu Mana Lee

13)What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
-   Mawa Lee

14)What is Bruce Lee's favorite Hindi movie?
-  Gharwa LEE Baharwa LEE

15)Who is Bruce Lee's favourite cricketer?
-   Saurav Gangu LEE

16)Which God does Bruce Lee pray too?
-   Bajrang ba LEE

17]How does Bruce Lee behave with others?
-  Cordial Lee

18]What ghee does Bruce Lee consume?
-  Ass Lee

19]What dos Bruce Lee do when does not know the
answer?
-  Dilly Da Lee

20]Who does Bruce Lee buy rossogullas from?
-  Benga Lee

21] What garment does Bruce Lee enjoy taking off?
-  Cho Lee

22]At which sea face in Mumbai does Bruce Lee draw his fresh air?
-  Wor Lee

23]How does Bruce Lee complain?
-  Bitter Lee

24]How does Bruce Lee lose a war?
-  Utter Lee

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs
raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting
ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she
found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said
Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the
nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told
him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say
convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
hotel room wherehe and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29,
were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but
doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy,
Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he
won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters.
Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just
happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter
Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two
knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.
"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital,
I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause
I figured the Law would go easy on them,"

recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them,
either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my
life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed
about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days
prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place
till she spotted the illfated rapists entering their flophouse hotel
I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was
them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the
door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right
square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to
meto spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with
the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law,
but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det.
Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to
nominate her for Mayor.

DEPORT HER TO INDIA --- WE NEED HER !!

Notice Who Votes

They breed, they vote, they're alive! I hope they're voting on the
other ticket!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three
days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this
deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . .These people Vote

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I
don't keep up with that stuff". . . . . . . .She ALSO votes!

I use to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
. . . . . He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving" . . . . . She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
. . . . .My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He
ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned. . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet? " . . . SHE ALSO votes!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . .Yep, he votes too.