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Top Headlines

50 Top Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------------------------------------------
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

Neighbours

When neighbors, as is often the case, don't get along too well

This says it all...

The guy standing there can't do a darn thing about it.

  

Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
~ Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~ Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
~ George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
~ Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
~ Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
~  Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
~ Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
~ Dustin Hoffman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
~ Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
~ Elmo Phillips

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
~ George Burns

  

Time to Kill

Have time to kill...? Click here.

Some Amazing Pics

These Happen Only in India

     

 This Happens only in China

 

 

 This happens only in Miami

  

Japan

  

Whatever you do - don't go to this hospital

      1. The patient refused autopsy.
      2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
      3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
      4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B
      only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.
      5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
      very hot in bed last night.
      6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
      7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
      disappeared.
      8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She al so appears to be
      depressed.
      9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
      10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
      11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
      forgetful.
      12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
      13. She is numb from her toes down.
      14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
      15. The skin was moist and dry.
      16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
      17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
      18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
      19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
      she got a divorce.
      20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
      therapy.
      21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
      22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
      23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
      24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
      25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
      26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
      27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

More Indian Humour

1. SSC + HSC + BCOM + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4
minute song in Hindi movie.

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
own production company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four
hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace =

One sooraj Barjataya Film

**********

& the winner is .........

One S/W engineer + No work = Many forwards...........!!!!

 
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
 
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
 
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
 
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
 
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
 
You watch the Weather Channel.
 
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
 
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
 
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
 
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
 
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
 
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
 
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
 
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
 
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
 
You take naps from noon to 6 PM
 
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
 
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
 
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
 
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
 
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
 
"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
 
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
 
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
 
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Two cowboys

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail
dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers
and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a
sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head
"No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning
to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of
her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a
violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins
to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
Maneuver", but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Is there Baseball In Heaven ???

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him
every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many
years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven,
and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know
if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've
been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of
nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've
got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always
spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

An Application

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

1. NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___

2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________

7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__

9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________

10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________

11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________

12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________

13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________

14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Best little convent in Texas

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his ey! e. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real! Then
he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS ! HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

"True" Friendship

"True" Friendship None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will
see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold
truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

Bill gates - Speech at a high school

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school.  You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one