How to get Laid

• Get reincarnated as a chicken. Fifty million eggs are laid in Britain every day.
• Pretend you're a brick.
• Make improper suggestion to your boss, and get laid off work.
• Pick a fight with a professional boxer, and get laid out in the ring
• Expose yourself, and get laid bare.
• Author a White Paper, and get laid before Parliament.
• Become a Rastafarian, and get laid back.
• Pull in to a lay-by.
• Surprise someone, get waylaid.

The Differences in Men & Women

Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i"
with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p"
and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's
dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the
store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane.

Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as
the "I Hate You /
I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help
men get over this need.

Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.

Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are
turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This
is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
437. A man cannot identify most of these items.

Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then
slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet
are under the desk.

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:
Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before
he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style."

Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads.

Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated
juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve
cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and
requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end
up taking better pictures.

Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and
they never lie.

Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man.

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow,
great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi
that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside
looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last
night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog
or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants.

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
"Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met
will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also
go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse
themselves to use the restroom.

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a
restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you
want to join me?"

humour

A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED = ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING. "WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

"I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.

HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING = IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!" THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, = AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY = NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B.," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART = ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

SEND THIS TO FIVE BRIGHT, FUNNY WOMEN YOU KNOW AND MAKE THEIR DAY!

_______________

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on.

We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

Worst job experience

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.


Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut."

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Did You Know!!!

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. ! Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
And yew thought yew knew everything....

**************
There are many companies / brands / products whose names were derived from strange circumstances:
 
Mercedes
 
This was actually the financier's daughter's name.
 
Adobe
 
This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.
 
Apple Computers
 
It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 O'clock.
 
CISCO
 
It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco.
 
Compaq
 
This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.
 
Corel
 
The name was derived from the founder's name Dr.Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland REsearch Laboratory.
 
Google
 
The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'
 
Hotmail
 
Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names endingin 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html"
- the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.
 
Hewlett Packard
 
Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the Company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
 
Intel
 
Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
 
Lotus (Notes)
 
Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
 
Microsoft
 
Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the '-' was removed later on.
 
Motorola
 
Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.
 
ORACLE
 
Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company.
 
Sony
 
It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.
 
SUN
 
Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scot t McNealy to manufacture computers based On it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.
 
Yahoo!
 
The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and
action  and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.

********************
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested" Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson.

" HAVE ! A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS

 

Technorati Tags : Battle+of+Agincourt, mercedes, Adobe, Apple+computers, CISCO, Compaq, Corel, Google, Hotmail, Hewlett+Packard, Intel, lotus, (notes), Microsoft, Motorola, Oracle, Sony, Sun, Yahoo, I+hate+my+job

 

 

A bit of Iraq in Bible History

 
 Read down to the very bottom,  VERY INTERESTING.
 
  1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.
  2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
  3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.
  4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.
  5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!
  6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.
  7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.
  8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.
  9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.
  10. Amos cried out in Iraq!
  11. Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.
  12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!
  13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the                    fourth person in the fiery furnace!)
  14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.
  15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.
  16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.
  17. The wise men were from Iraq.
  18. Peter preached in Iraq.
  19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon, which
  was a city in Iraq!
 
And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible. The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia.
The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible. No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also... This is something to think about! Since America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages...
 
 The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible) Koran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.
 
(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!-

Singapore Airlines

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines
from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't
planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
pretty flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby
dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me
that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your
mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines
always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."!!!

Tx Jeff...I couldn't leave your comments on the comments link as I had a technical snag...tx neways...
At 10:56 PM 1/28/06, you wrote:

wow. nice blog. just droppin by. thanks.


Posted by Jeff Pioquinto,SJ to Funny Emails at 1/28/2006 10:47:46 PM

Believe it or Not

 

Believe it or Not

God created the donkey

and said to him.
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years"
God granted his wish.
............................................................................................

God created the dog

and said to him:
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
You will be a dog. " The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
............................................................................................

God created the monkey

and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
............................................................................................

Finally God created man

and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,
give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
............................................................................................

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man,
marries and spends 30 years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life.

Is'nt it?

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best Interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want tohear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage withcheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invokerof great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, Your biggest fan

P. S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Happiness is not what you EXPERIENCE, but what you REMEMBER.

Even Laura wants to Bushwhack George !!!

The complete transcript of Laura Bush's comments from the White House Correspondents' Association dinner, held April 30:

President Bush: Thank you and good evening. I always look forward to these dinners, where I'm supposed to be funny ¿ intentionally. I'm really looking forward to hearing Cedric the Entertainer ( billed as the night's headliner). I kind of think of myself that way.

Cedric, did you hear that hilarious line I ad-libbed down in Arkansas? A woman in a town meeting told me she was from DeQueen, and I said, 'That's right next to DeKing.' You gotta' admit that's pretty good, Cedric. That's what you call sophisticated re ¿ par ¿ tay.

Then out in Montana, I told a joke about a cattle guard, which, to be honest, didn't get a very big laugh ¿ actually, none. But Cedric, I think you'll appreciate this, and you can use it if you want to. See, there was this city slicker who was driving around lost and he came across this ol' cowboy. And so the city slicker asked the old guy how to get to the nearest town, and ¿

First Lady Laura Bush: Not that old joke ¿ not again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been attending these dinners for years and just quietly sitting there. Well, I've got a few things I want to say for a change.

This is going to be fun because he really doesn't have a clue about what I'm gonna' to say next.

George always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now.

I'm not kidding.

I said to him the other day, "George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later."

I am married to the president of the United States, and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I'm watching Desperate Housewives¿ with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they oughta be with George.

One night, after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendale's. I wouldn't even mention it except Ruth Ginsberg and Sandra Day O'Connor saw us there. I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service codename is now "Dollar Bill."

But George and I are complete opposites ¿ I'm quiet, he's talkative, I'm introverted, he's extroverted, I can pronounce nuclear ¿

The amazing thing, however, is that George and I were just meant to be. I was the librarian who speant 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George.

We met, and married, and I became one of the regulars up at Kennebunkport. All the Bushes love Kennebunkport, which is like Crawford, but without the nightlife. People ask me what it's like to be up there with the whole Bush clan. Lemme put it this way: First prize ¿ three-day vacation with the Bush family. Second prize ¿ 10 days.

Speaking of prizes brings me to my mother-in-law. So many mothers today are just not involved in their children's lives ¿ Not a problem with Barbara Bush. People often wonder what my mother-in-law's really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly, Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like, mmm, Don Corleone.

Cedric, am I doing all right?

I saw my in-laws down at the ranch over Easter. We like it down there. George didn't know much about ranches when we bought the place. Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program. But I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse.

Now, of course, he spends his days clearing brush, cutting trails, taking down trees, or, as the girls call it, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw ¿ which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well.

It's always very interesting to see how the ranch air invigorates people when they come down from Washington. Recently, when Vice President Cheney was down, he got up early one morning, he put on his hiking boots, and he went on a brisk, 20- to 30-foot walk.

But actually, in all seriousness, I do love the ranch, and I love the whole Bush family. I was an only child, and when I married into the extended Bush clan, I got brothers and sisters and wonderful in-laws, all of whom opened their arms to me. And included in the package, I got this guy here.

I think when you marry someone, you unconsciously are looking for something in your spouse to help fulfill something in you, and George did that for me. He brought fun and energy into my life and so many other things. George is a very good listener, he's easy to be around, and on top of it all, he's a loving father whose daughters absolutely adore him.

So in the future, when you see me just quietly sitting up here, I want you to know that I'm happy to be here for a reason ¿ I love, and enjoy being with, the man who usually speaks to you on these occasions.

So George and I thank you for inviting us, thank you for all of the good work that you and the press do, and thank you for your very kind hospitality this evening.

An Angry Wife

  Technorati Tags : humour, angry+wife

Every Man's remote

  Technorati Tags : Remote

The Rules by a perverted Golf Player

1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

 
 

20 ways dogs are better than men

This is what do you get when you forward female bashing emails to women????

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
8. You can train a dog and it will even get your newspaper.
9. Dogs are easy to buy for.
10. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
11. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
12. Dogs understand what 'no' means.
13. Dogs don't need therapy to deal with their problems.
14. Dogs are happy with whatever you feed them.
15. You can force a dog to take a bath.
16. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
17. Dogs don't borrow your credit cards or cellular phone.
18. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
19. Dogs don't play video games.
20. Dogs don't drink beer or watch football.

Guide to men

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormones modify behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when

we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE ( I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam ... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In pre-historic times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all-modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to  admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think  it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like

the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...buying?

Thanks go to the man who documented this for convenience of women.

Male bashing

I am playing fair if yesterday was female bashing then today is time
for some male bashing.....( for a change )..

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit
the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Pass this on to some women who need a laugh...and to men who can
handle it! Hope all of u out there enjoyed this as much as i did.

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)

This would have to be the best email I've have ever read.... For anyone who didn't see the episode of David  Letterman's which this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a  true story...)

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat" she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the  elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her.

'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the tw! o men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to he r feet.

"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was to humiliated to speak.

She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them r! oaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed; Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

***************************
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. R! e-insert card the right way

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN number

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Hot or Not

Ok, so I got myself coaxed to get my photo uploaded on HOT or NOT...hehehe. I was expecting a rating of 2 or somewhere near there. Heck a rating of over 5...cool... I havent stoped laughing...I know the capt. Haddock goatee has got some appeal left. Pity  I got it removed last week...Neways...thanks for voting ladies...

Well if you want to vote...go ahead its on the sidebar take a look....lol...get the score down...make me feel normal...NOT!!!...HEY! Keep Voting Will Ya??!!!

 

Technorati Tags : hot+or+not, vote

Some more good quotes

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but
they wanted cash.
5. Your child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and
she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father
seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done
it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Some Solutions...

Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches most of his life. When his career and love life started to suffer,he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another,he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need...a new suit".

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out. The elderly salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure." Joe tried on the shirt the salesman handed him, and it fit perfectly. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years".

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see... 9 1/2 E. "Joe was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ..size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you there! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 32. A size 32 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache."

*******************
Here's the Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions


Case 1


When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C. And what did the Russians do...?? They used a Pencil !!!


Case 2


One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so. But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.


Moral Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems. An ant can be killed in two ways...... #1) By lifting and pressing it by your hand....#2) By Bombarding it with a missile choose your way.

Wal-Mart Man Store

A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, Texas, where a woman may go to choose a husband from many men.
Among the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.

There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch... As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, Jane decides to go to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find herself a husband.

On the first three floors the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,446,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.

Watch your step when you exit the building and have a nice day!

*********

Food For Thought:
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong..

Letter To Wrong Wife.

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet His wife The next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.


Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he madean error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S.Things are not as we thought.You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

******************

For all my normal friends!!!

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and  ask the patient to
empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose  the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

"Noooooo," answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest.


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"A normal person would pull the plug".

Chokka almost had a heart attack trying to solve the puzzle.
Dean had to control himself after he realised how tough it was to spot the differences.

A few more comments that i received were unprintable...but they were all said in good jest...at least that's what I hope

Click here to go to the puzzle post once again

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the hog I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

Do not say these on your date

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"
"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."
"No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I used to come here all the time with my ex."
"I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."
"My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."
"I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."
"You don't have any sexual taboos, do ya ?"
"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
"I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."
"Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."
"I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."
"And when I mooned them... you know, Jehovah's Witnesses can run fast."

Tequila

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?  Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.  Tequila® can help ease you out  of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.  Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®.  However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila®: Leave Shyness Behind!

Dear Dad...(must read)

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP.

THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED.

IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD".

WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE  WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH  MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.

BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS MUCH OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER.

SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON,

JOHN

P.S.  DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.  I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE.  I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER.  I LOVE YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME

Important Warnings

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."

In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."

On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."

On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

n a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."

On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."

A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: "Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

Another Bushel

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh no!"
the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands. Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

 

Spot 3 Differences

Okay, see If you can figure it out.

It says there are three differences in the two pictures at the link below.

I found two, and for the life of me couldn't find the third.

Let me know if you find all three, it's kind of bugging me.

I feel like an idiot. (Duh!)

Here is the link

Old Jewish Catskills comedy lines

Old Jewish Catskills Comedy Lines

Some of you may remember the old Catskill comics like Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, and Henny Youngman, et al.  Yep.  You?ve probably heard all of these before, but it?s fun to dig out some good clean humor every now and then?

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,  only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called  it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

 

Technorati Tags : jokes, humour, funny+emails, comedy, jewish+comedy, one+liners, cats

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his  bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little
dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're
the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of  work he's out of.

 

**********
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

 
  I am still trying to figure it out...is it 12 or 13??? :)

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers -Take one:

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took
off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor
chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The
pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather
slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The
graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The
graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. "Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was
an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of
electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want" Again
the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

****************************

Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a
woman you fix your legs and move your ass

Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear
at Night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward... stop and eject..

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary......it comes once a month, lasts about 4 - 5 days,
and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble

7 qualities to be a perfect woman:
Beautiful,
Responsible,
Energetic,
Adorable,
Sweet,
Truthful Self-Organised

In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place
where most people find pleasure.

~ Interior Designer Wanted ~

 

~ Wanted ~

 

An Inteior Designer

 

P.S. This is not a humour post!!

Read this...FUNNY

Fake celebrity news...Harry Potter interviewed ...Funny

Lonely Lady

Advert

I miss my husband.  I really do.  He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company.  So, I'd like to propose the
following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today.  I will cook a great  meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know  you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom,  should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.

Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

***************************
Ten Good Things About The Flu


10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.  
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike

 

Technorati Tags : lonely, lady, 10, good, things, about, the, flu

Another one of those funny forwards that's worth a read

Dear All,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258 th time).

* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor ...

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's lawnmower man.

Have an eventful year ahead.
cheers!!!!

Stress Relievers

Stress reliever #1

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to theoffice. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever #3

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me togive up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married  you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 5

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Stress Reliever # 6

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."

The guy replies: "Thanks for the warning."

Stress Reliever # 7

A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or - my sexy body?

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

I like your sense of humour