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Top Headlines

50 Top Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------------------------------------------
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

Neighbours

When neighbors, as is often the case, don't get along too well

This says it all...

The guy standing there can't do a darn thing about it.

  

Quotes

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
~ Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~ Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
~ George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
~ Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
~ Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
~  Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
~ Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
~ Dustin Hoffman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
~ Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
~ Elmo Phillips

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
~ George Burns

  

Time to Kill

Have time to kill...? Click here.

Some Amazing Pics

These Happen Only in India

     

 This Happens only in China

 

 

 This happens only in Miami

  

Japan

  

Whatever you do - don't go to this hospital

      1. The patient refused autopsy.
      2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
      3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
      4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B
      only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.
      5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
      very hot in bed last night.
      6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
      7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
      disappeared.
      8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She al so appears to be
      depressed.
      9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
      10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
      11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
      forgetful.
      12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
      13. She is numb from her toes down.
      14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
      15. The skin was moist and dry.
      16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
      17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
      18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
      19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
      she got a divorce.
      20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
      therapy.
      21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
      22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
      23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
      24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
      25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
      26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
      27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

More Indian Humour

1. SSC + HSC + BCOM + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4
minute song in Hindi movie.

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
own production company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four
hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace =

One sooraj Barjataya Film

**********

& the winner is .........

One S/W engineer + No work = Many forwards...........!!!!

 
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
 
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
 
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
 
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
 
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
 
You watch the Weather Channel.
 
Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
 
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
 
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
 
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
 
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
 
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
 
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
 
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
 
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
 
You take naps from noon to 6 PM
 
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
 
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
 
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
 
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
 
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
 
"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
 
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
 
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
 
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Two cowboys

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail
dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers
and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a
sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head
"No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning
to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of
her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a
violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins
to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
Maneuver", but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Is there Baseball In Heaven ???

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him
every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many
years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven,
and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know
if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've
been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of
nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've
got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always
spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

An Application

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

1. NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___

2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________

7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__

9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________

10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________

11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________

12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________

13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________

14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Best little convent in Texas

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his ey! e. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real! Then
he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS ! HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

"True" Friendship

"True" Friendship None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will
see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold
truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

Bill gates - Speech at a high school

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school.  You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

Funny Joke - Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

 
There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head. - Jay Leno

"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." - David Letterman

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Ladens organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." - David Letterman

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. Well taste your food, you check our mail." - Jay Leno

"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when were finished fighting there. Im sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." - Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is Waldo." - Jay Leno

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait til we deliver his mid-life crisis." - Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." - Jay Leno

Word Press

Funny Emails is now also on Word Press

Technorati Tags : word, press

 

Arjun SIngh

WHICH IS ARJUN SINGH'S FAVOURITE CITY?

Ans : Kota

WHY DOESN'T ARJUN SINGH HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS?

Ans : Because he's 'reserved' by nature.

WHY DID ARJUN SINGH LEARN ARABIC?

Ans So that he could read 'backwards'.

ARJUN SINGH WAS MADE THE LAW MINISTER. HE ZAPPED EVERYONE BY CREATING ANOTHER SUPREME COURT. HE CALLED IT THE SUPREME TRIBUNAL. WHAT WAS HIS LOGIC?

Ans : For every SC, there should be an ST.

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE TO MAKE A CAREER IN FILMS, WHICH JOB WOULD HE OPT FOR?

Ans : CASTE DIRECTOR

IF ARJUN SINGH OWNED A MOVIE THEATER, WHAT WOULD THE BALCONY BE CALLED?

Ans : Backward Class

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE A HISTORIAN, HOW WOULD HE DIVIDE TIME?

Ans : AD, BC & OBC

If Arjun singh was part of the simpsons family, what would be his name?

Ans : O B Cimpson

What was arjun singh admitted to the hospital recently?

Ans: Coz he wanted to get Caste-rated.

What alternatives did arjun singh have to replace the dance bars?

Ans :Kothas

Technorati Tags : Arjun+Singh

Positive Atributes

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream..."I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path.Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral:Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Good one

Middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this!!!)

God replied
















"I didn't recognize you."

Pakistani Math Question paper

Instructions:
 
-----------------
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qaeda group.
iii)AK-47's and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Math Exam Time 3 hours Full Marks 100 - All questions are compulsory.
 
1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.
 
2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hashish, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.
 
3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.   
 
4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.
 
5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.
 
6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.
 
7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .
Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.
 
8) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.
 
9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.
Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:
k=1, k1 and k<1.    
 
10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR

Life is how you look at it...

Many years ago I read a quote from Vivekananda which helped me to detach myself from material goods ( Partly though ) :

"I was complaining to life that I had no shoes until I saw a man on the street who had no legs."

And now a friend has sent me this. I thought I should share this with you :

A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."

2 fleas

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying,"That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you're there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle
in where it's warm and cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the
best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by.When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue
and shivering and shaking again, damn near frozen to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.....I went to
the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley"

BBQ season

After the long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some kind of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Technorati Tags : BBQ

Man is Like an Automobile...

~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the
U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has
difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to
climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter
and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it
to the top.

~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making
it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out,
making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights
grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low
position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.

~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished,
giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one
more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

  

Lateral Thinking

Perfect lesson on being alert and thinking on your feet.

Many years ago, in a small Indian village, a farmer had the
misfortune ofowing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The
moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful
daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the
farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his
daughter were horrified by the proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide
the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white
pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one
pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his

wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be

thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As
they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he
picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two
black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to
pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you
have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag
and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3.The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order
to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with
the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between
lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved
with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Think Hard!

May be some interesting ideas in your mind now! .........................

Well, here is what she did.

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.

Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the
pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the
other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into
the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had
picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his
dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into
an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't
attempt to think.

Another joke

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother"

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: GOVERNMENTIUM

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact; a minute amount of Governmentium can cause one reaction to
take over 4 days to complete which would normally take place withi
less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as a Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many
peons but twice as many morons.

-- Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it

Self Appraisal!

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and
pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that
he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in
seven digits.

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: The boy
asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? The woman
replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts
your lawn now." replied boy. The woman responded that she was very
satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even
sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the
prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman
answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The
store-owner, who was listening to all, walked over to the boy and
said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and
would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my
performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working
for that lady, I was talking to!"

Women over 40 and Poor ole Dave

In case you missed it on 60 minutes. This is for all girls around
40...AND...for guys who are scared of girls over 40. This was written
by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will
never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you
thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40
doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about
it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something
more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier
than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free". Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are
against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

*******************

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and > brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."

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