Now Look what Desperate Housewives is doing to women
 

Inzaman-ul-Haq presently the captain of the Pakistan cricket team.

 

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.
____________________________________________________________________________________


Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good Balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving nstructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in big effort and deliver good result all the time.

Bizarre Wills and 911 calls

These make you wonder about the phrase, "being of sound mind." Ms. Eleanor Ritchey, the unmarried granddaughter of the founder of Quaker State Oil, died in 1968 with an estate worth around $12 million. According to Scott Bieber in Trusts and Estates magazine: "Under her will, she left over 1,700 pairs of shoes and 1,200 boxes of stationery to the Salvation Army. The rest of the estate went to the dogs." Real dogs, he means - a pack of 150 strays that Ritchey had adopted as pets.

When American patriot Patrick Henry died, everything he owned was left to his wife - as long as she never married again. If she did, he forfeited the whole thing. "It would make me unhappy," he explained, "to feel I have worked all my life only to support another man's wife!" She remarried anyway.

Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island, tried to leave his birthday. He willed it to a good friend who'd complained that since she was born on Christmas, she never got to have a real birthday celebration.

An attorney in France left $10,000 to "a local madhouse." The gentleman declared that "it was simply an act of restitution to his clients."

An Australian named Francis R. Lord left one shilling to his wife "for tram fare so she can go somewhere and drown her- self." The inheritance was never claimed.

Sandra West, a wealthy 37-year-old Beverly Hills socialite, left most of her $3 million estate to her brother - provided he made sure she was buried "in my lace nightgown and my Ferrari, with the seat slanted comfortably." That's how she was buried. The Ferrari was surrounded with concrete so no one would be tempted to dig it up and drive away.

A woman in Cherokee County, North Carolina left her entire estate to God. The court instructed the county sheriff to find the beneficiary. A few days later, the sheriff returned and submitted his report: "After due and diligent search, God cannot be found in this county."

Edgar Bergen, famed ventriloquist, left $10,000 to the Actor's Fund of America - so they could take care of his dummy, Charlie McCarthy, and put him in a show once a year. They went along with it.




And before the bizarre wills, there are the Bizarre 911 calls - sent in by Vette

A thirty-year-old Maryland man called 911 and reported, "You gotta put out the fire, man. My marijuana plants are burning." When the fire-fighters team arrived they found the man sitting in his kitchen, in the dark, strumming his guitar.

A man in La Vergne, Tennessee, called emergency 911 to report that he and his wife had had a fight and he needed police to come to his house and stop her from pouring out all his beer.

Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, Louisiana was issued a citation for improper use of the 911 emergency line. Wantlin called 911 to report her husband for preventing her from watching the season finale of Knots Landing.

[Dispatcher] 911. What's your emergency?
[Caller] I'm scared.
[Dispatcher] What's the problem?
[Caller] I just got a Ouija board for my birthday and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off....This thing is going back to Kmart first thing in the morning!

[Dispatcher] 911. What's your emergency?
[Caller] Could you send the police to my house?
[Dispatcher] What's wrong there?
[Caller] I called and someone answered the phone, but I'm not there.

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:


 After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.


 Anthony's Law of the Workshop:


 Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.


 Kovac's Conundrum:



 When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.


 Cannon's Karmic Law:


 If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.


 O'brien's Variation Law:


 If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.


 BELL'S THEOREM


 When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.


 RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS


 The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.


 WILLOUGHBY'S LAW


 When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.


 ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS


 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


 BREDA'S RULE


 At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.


 WEN'S LAW


 As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Humour in Indian English

Tamil Nadu, India , well Known Personality,Mr Jeppier,Chairman of Self financing Engineering Colleges Association ,who is always speaking in English ... Sathyabama college Students have  Collected & published the Book on Jappier's Spoken English ... Njoy ...........with his..............English..............  Sounds fictitious...although highly likely


 Now, here are some classic English sentences from the great Mr. Jeppiar.


 The stalwart talks to his students:


 # At the ground:  -----------------  All of you stand in a straight circle.  There is no wind in the balloon.  The girl with the mirror please comes her...{Means: girl with specs please come here).


 # To a boy, angrily:  ---------------------  I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?


 # While punishing students:  -----------------------  You, rotate the ground four times...  You, go and understand the tree...  You three of you stand together separately.  Why are y ou late - say YES or NO .....(?)


 # Sir at his best:  ---------------  Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them.  So the next day at s school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you  WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"



 # Sir at his best inside the Class room:  ----------------------------------------------  Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.  Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.  Cut an apple into two halves - I will take the bigger half.  Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor  You, meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class..)  "Both of u three get out of the class."  Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today...  Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....  Take 5 cm wire of any length....



 Last but not the least some Jeppi ar experiences ...  -----------------------------------------------------------------  Once Sir had come late to a college function, by the time he reached, the function had begun, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry I am late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).


 At Sathyabama college day 2002:  ----------------------------------------------  "This college strict u the worry no .... U get good marks, I the happy, tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry I the enjoy"


 At St. Josephs fresh years day 2003:  ----------------------------------------------  "No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police"

Paris Hilton Screwing

 

Accident Statements, Love making tips for seniors and many more...

Man Driver: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident.

Woman Driver: The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: I saw the slow moving, sad face, old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Man Driver: The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front bumper, removed his left rear tail light.

Woman Driver: I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.

Man Driver: I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

Man Driver: I was on my way to the doctor's with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

Woman Driver: I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.

Man Driver: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where a stop sign had never appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

Woman Driver: My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

Woman Driver: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

Man Driver: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

Woman Driver: I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

Woman Driver: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

Man Driver: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Man Driver: My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital

***********************
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert; they set up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute."Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks."Tonto, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

*************************************

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client
********************************

To Women Everywhere From a Man That's Had Enough

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

********************************
Guessing Game

One morning, a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.

The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before in which the guests played "Who's Is It?" -- each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess whose it was.

"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.

*******************************
Love making tips for seniors

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
2. Set timer for 2 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6 Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice

GOLF HUMOUR AGAIN

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

   "Top of the mornin'to yer, sir" says the attendant.

   Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fell out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

   "What  are those, son?" asks the attendant.

   "They're called tees" replies Tiger.

   "Well, what on the good earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.

   "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

   "Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

Three Ways to Hypnotize a Chicken  - By Linda Riggins The Old Farmer's Almanac

The following article, written by Linda Riggins, originally appeared in The 1985 Old Farmer's Almanac. For some reason, our editor, Judson Hale, likes to mention this topic every time he goes out on our annual fall media tour when the Almanac is released. Every September, we start getting a lot of callers and e-mailers asking, "So just how do you hypnotize a chicken?" Although we have yet to understand why someone would want to hypnotize a chicken, we thought it was high time we gave the complete instructions to those who may be so inclined. Here they are.

"I've been hypnotizing chickens since I was nine, when the county 4-H agent in Milwaukee showed me how," says Dr. Doris White, a Bernardsville, New Jersey, chicken farmer who is also professor of elementary education at William Paterson College and a chicken hypnotism instructor. "When he taught me, I thought everyone knew how to hypnotize chickens." She was wrong. She points out that "some farmers are still surprised that a person can hypnotize chickens. But after they see me demonstrate how it's done, they go home and try it themselves."

Dr. White shows her audiences two methods of hypnotizing chickens. The Oscillating Finger Method is probably the easier of the two. Place the bird on its side with a wing under its body and hold it down gently. Make sure its head is flat on the table. To hypnotize the bird, use one finger of the free hand, moving the finger back and forth in front of the bird's beak from its tip (without touching it) to a point that is about four inches from the beak. Keep the finger in a line parallel to the beak.

The second technique is the Sternum Stroke Method. Gently put the bird on its back. It may be necessary to use a book, purse, or other item to keep the bird from rolling onto its side. Hold the bird down. Lightly massage the bird's sternum, using the slightly spread thumb and index finger of one hand to do the stroking.

(Editor's Note: A third technique, discovered buried in the files of The Old Farmer's Almanac, is the Chalk Line Method. Draw a straight chalk mark about a foot long. Hold the chicken with its beak on one end of the line, staring straight out at the chalk mark. In a few seconds, the chicken will be hypnotized.)

"A bird will stay hypnotized for a couple of seconds, minutes, or hours," says White, although in her demonstrations they're "out" for only minutes. Regardless of the method used, a sudden movement or loud noise will bring the chicken out of the hypnotic trance.

White adds, "Pheasants go out faster than any other bird. Wild pheasants are very nervous and high-strung, and usually very easy to hypnotize." In her demonstrations, she is protective of pheasants, because after they come out of hypnosis, they are likely to hurt themselves unless they are carefully monitored.

Noting that domestic birds are more difficult to hypnotize than wild ones, she suggests that one reason may be that wild birds are using a survival skill when they submit to hypnosis.

White has reported the results of her experiments at several New Jersey science conferences and fairs. In one of her studies of 11 birds, the heart and respiration rates, when measured five minutes after hypnosis, were significantly lower than in the prehypnotic state. For example, in a Bantam White Cochin cock, the heart rate before hypnosis was 457 beats per minute and after hypnosis 372. The rates for this bird's respiration were 22 and 20 breaths per minute, respectively. The temperatures of nine of these birds went down or were unchanged in the posthypnotic state.

Source: The Old Farmers Almanac

Talking Sex in Acronyms

The latest Club and Pub sex talk is in acronyms...so if you scratch your head and wonder what your ex is discussing with your friends and glancing at you...( oh! trust me that could happen)...with that smirk on her face. You'll in all probability thank me for having read this.

Acronym
   
The Long of it-              
What the heck does it mean?

BBBJ         
Bare Back Blow Job-         
Blow Job without the condom on

CBJ         
Covered Blow Job-         
Blow Job with a condom on

Mish         
Missionary-              
Making love old style. Man on top. Woman below

CG         
Cow Girl-              
Woman on Top, facing the guy

RCG         
Reverse Cow Girl-         
Woman on Top, Back towards Guy

Caveman    
Caveman-              
Making love to a woman, like an animal-that means ripping her clothes of, pulling hair etc., and the next morning using your credit card to cover her loses at Victoria's Secret, Macy's, Neiman Marcus and the local Vietnamese Beauty Salon.

BBBJTCIM    
Bare Back Blow Job Till you Cum in her mouth     -
I don't think that needs any further explanation except please be ready to cover your left cheek when the slap comes hard and fast "WHAT THE FUCK" "YOU PROMISED YOU WON'T CUM IN MY MOUTH."
    
BBB         
Bare Back Boning-         
If you want to make a child that's what you do.

B-Hat         
Boning with a Hat (Condom) on          -
If you DON'T wanna make a child that's what you do

Doggie         
Doggie          -         
You perverts - you know what this means!!!

Russian    
Mini-me between the tits -    
You arouse yourself and cum between the woman's tits

Greek         
Greek                   
Anal Sex

FMAYMHPATICS
For more acronyms you may have please add those in comments

No it doesn’t mean anything else except what it meant in the above line!

It's time to turn off your computer when...

...You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your e-mail first.
...You name your children Eudora, AOL and Dotcom.
...You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved one.
...You spend half of a flight with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
...You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
...You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
...You start using "smileys" in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).
...You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
...You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
...You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
...You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
...You don't know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen names, and you never bothered to ask.
...You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

SOME INTERESTING SANTA & BANTA ONES ----

Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he finally
writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."

*****
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*****

Pappu, while filling up a form: Dad, what should I write against
mother tongue.?
Santa: Very long!

*****

Teacher: Pappu, TAMSO MA JYOTIR GAMYA" shloka ka kya arth hai?
Pappu: Tum so jayo maa, mein Jyoti ke pass ja raha hoon.

*****

Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the
flag. Guess what did he ask next... Ismein aur colour dikhayiye.

*****

Santa went to battery shop n asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

*****

Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.?

*****

Santa was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge: What'll you take 30 days or Rs 3000.
Santa: I think I'll take the money.

*****

Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
San ta: He's not studying, they are studying him!

*****

Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.

*****

What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple,
Bail Gaadi

*****

Banta sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhne wala gadha. Santa
got angry and replied: Bhejnewala gadha, padhnewala mahan.

*****

Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever- What comes
first - the chicken or the egg? O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

very interesting

Very interesting !! Read it

Below are four (3) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
 
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
 
Ready? GO!!! (Scroll down)


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, and then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up Ur in the next question.

 
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, and then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
 
You're not very good at this! Are you?
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Maybe you will get the last question right?
 
 
 
Third  Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3.Nini , 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
 
 
Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.
Read the question again.
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Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
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Answer: He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple

A Poem - Another Hoax

I received a poem earlier today put it up on another blog of mine and PHAT my head kicked in and i decided to do a google...

So that poem was a hoax after all. I did a google on...

Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor

Department of Developmental and Molecular Biology
1300 Morris Park Avenue
Bronx, New York 10

and Phew, i was taken here... http://hoaxbusters.ciac.org/HBSympathy.shtml I sent an email to B telling him that the email he sent me was a hoax. Hope he realizes the folly and stopped getting hooked. I know the beauty of these hoaxes is that it grabs you -by-the-whatever. You decide on an emotional level without reasoning to forward such emails to everyone on your mailing list. The intentions maybe good...but, I think there is more fear involved here, rather than anything else - if the email said something bad would befall you if you do not send it to 15 or more people - sometimes you just say what the heck and forward it to all. On the flip side all those who get the email calls ur name to their mind and spells a curse. In both ways man u get the dunking u deserve. There goes mebbe guys should realize this sooner than later and stop all those weird hoaxes from spreading.

Some time back AB sent me another of these hoaxes . Sent an email to him too with the link on the email being a hoax. The Chris Mineo Hoax. Am I doing the right thing?. I wonder... For those who do not know what the picture on the right is about its a hoax email that did the rounds a while back...The email is attached below... The subject line read...Please look at the email and FORWARD

" If anyone anywhere knows anything, sees anything, please contact the original screen name that sent this, which is CMINEO0295@aol.com

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE AND THEN FORWARD -- PLEASE DON'T DELETE PLEASE LOOK AT PICTURE THEN FORWARD I am asking you all, begging you to please, forward this email on to anyone and everyone you know, PLEASE. I have a 5 year old son named Christopher John Mineo Jr, nickname C.J. I am from Brooklyn N.Y. He has been missing since May 11 I am including a picture of him. All prayers are appreciated!!

It only takes 2 seconds to forward this on, if it was your child, you would want all the help you could get. Please.

Christopher John Mineo Sr
Stephanie M. Lawton, Office Manager
New York State Independent Living Council, Inc.
111 Washington Avenue, Suite 101
Albany, New York 12210
All prayers are appreciated!!

Neways here's to fighting Hoax emails...cherrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easy Blogging

I found a new offline blog text editor today. Its called Qumana...seems very promising.  It has some stunning features, I must say - I am Impressed. So far so good. This is my first blog using Qumana, I haven't tried out any of its features, which i promise I will for my future blog entries. Cheers for now.

 

 

                          

Thanksgiving Turkey

For most people, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on what we've been given and savor the scents of crisp autumn days and pumpkin pie.

For me, it's a little more complicated.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked. She couldn't wait to tell me.

"We learned that boys are different from girls," she chirped.

Looking into the rearview mirror, I could just see the top of her head.

"My teacher told us that boys have a thing the girls don't," she added.

"Well, yes they do.." I said cautiously.

I couldn't think of anything else to say, so we were quiet for a moment. Then she piped up again. "That's how girls know that boys are boys," she said. "They see that thing that hangs down and they know that he is a boy."

I mentally calculated the distance home. Our five-minute commute already felt like an hour.

"Did you know that when the boys see a girl they puff up?"

My palms were beginning to sweat. "Um...well..."

I was still searching for something new to say, to change the subject, when she asked, "Why do the girls like the boys to have those things?"

Well I didn't know what to say. I mean, what woman hasn't asked herself that question at least once?

"Oh, well...um..." I stammered.

She didn't wait for my answer. She had her own. "It's cause it moves when they walk and then the girls see that and that's when they know they are boys and that's when they like them. Then the boy sees the girl and he puffs up, and then the girl knows he likes her, too. And then they get married. And then they get cooked."

That last part confused me a bit, but on the whole I thought she had a pretty good grasp on things.

As soon as we got home and I pulled into the garage, she hopped out of the car, fishing something out of her school bag.

"I drew a picture," she said. "Do you want to see?"

I wasn't sure I did, but I looked at it anyway. I had to sit down.

There, all puffed up so to speak, looking mighty attractive for the ladies, was a crayon drawing of a great big Tom Turkey. His snood, the thing that hangs down over his beak, the thing that female turkeys find so irresistible, was magnificent. His tail feathers were standing tall and proud.

She was a little offended that I laughed so hard at her drawing, and I laughed until I cried. But when I told her I loved it - and I did - she got over her pique.

That was the end of that, for her anyway. But I'm not so lucky.

Every year I remember that conversation.

And to be honest, I haven't looked at a turkey, or a man, the same way since.

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something; she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

**********************************

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."

***********************************
There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and

it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf b***** with you."

***********************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

Trivia - Origin of Words

POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened.
BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody.
FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks).
DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people withdrew
after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped.
NEWS refers to information from four directions N, E, W and S.
AG-MARK which some products bear, stems from 'Agricultural Marketing'.
JOURNAL is a diary that tells about 'Journey for a day' during each Day's
business.
QUEUE comes from 'Queen's Quest'. Long back a long row of people
would wait to see the Queen. Someone made the comment Queen's Quest.
TIPS come from 'To Insure Prompt Service'. In olden days to get
Prompt service from servants in an inn, travelers used to drop coins
in a Box on which was written 'To Insure Prompt Service'

blog post

Quick One Liners

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was awesome.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing, 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

More Quick One Liners

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there
are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger
brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't -- I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Vajpayee, Margaret Thatcher, Musharraf, Madhuri dixit

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him. Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me,and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped." Musharraf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped me." Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again".

A full life:

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes
for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand." But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

RENT FOR THE APARTMENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.


Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'


On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:


Dear Madam:


Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.


I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that ;


1) it had never been occupied


2) that there was plenty of heat


3) that it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:


Dear sir:


First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.


As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.


Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but you if don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

ARTHUR DAVIDSON ... LESSON

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"


Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"


"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer then printed out a slip of paper.


"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence." said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer.

For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks." he replied.



"What a coincidence," she said.

GRANTED WISH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says,"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, But you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

On Fire!

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

LIFE

Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

CRYSTAL GAZING

YEAR 1981

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED

2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES

4. POPE DIED


YEAR 2005

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED

2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES

4. POPE DIED

IN FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO RE-MARRY .... PLEASE WARN

THE

POPE!!!!!!

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN DOWN GUYS

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!! &g t;
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humour)

HOW TO SURVIVE AN EARTHQUAKE- THE TRIANGLE OF LIFE. Vital info.

EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE "TRIANGLE OF LIFE," Edited by Larry Linn for MAA Safety Committee brief on 4/13/04.

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation (UNX051 -UNIENET) for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

In 1996 we made a film which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul, Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did "duck and cover," and ten mannequins I used in my "triangle of life" survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions, relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover. There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the "triangle of life." This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under their desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the~ triangle of life." The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the "triangles"

you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building. They are everywhere. I trained the Fire Department of Trujillo (population 750,000) in how to survive, take care of their families, and to rescue others in earthquakes.

The chief of rescue in the Trujillo Fire Department is a professor at Trujillo University. He accompanied me everywhere. He gave personal testimony: "My name is Roberto Rosales. I am Chief of Rescue in Trujillo. When I was 11 years old, I was trapped inside of a collapsed building. My entrapment occurred during the earthquake of 1972 that killed 70,000 people. I survived in the "triangle of life" that existed next to my brother's motorcycle. My friends who got under the bed and under desks were crushed to death [he gives more details, names, addresses etc.]...I am the living example of the "triangle of life." My dead friends are the example of "duck and cover."

TIPS DOUG COPP PROVIDES:

1) Everyone who simply "ducks and covers" WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE is crushed to death - Every time, without exception. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are always crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies all naturally often curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. The reason is simple: the wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room, telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens while you are watching television and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Everybody who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different "moment of frequency" (they swing separately from the main part of the building).The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fall are chopped up by the stair treads. They are horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by screaming, fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked;

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles, says the author.


Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

Welcome to Punjab Airlines

Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa... Wahe Guru Ji Ki Fateh. Sat Sri Akal, Ladies and Gentlemen...

This is your Captain 'James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway dhaba. This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be landing directly on your village. Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience.

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits.

For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists.

We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat.

As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down.

Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea.

I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time.

For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view.

Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.