Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Funny Quotes
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees. - Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the
Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC
Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against
a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts,
then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. - Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up. - John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. - Colin Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was
a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.- L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in
Taiwan. - Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? - P, Leeds
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester - Road
Alan J., London
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour. - Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. - Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. - Thomas J
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
put people off buying the product. - Mark Mayhem
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their
Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was
able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an
n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get
away with this? - Billington Smyth
English Like it UP
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It is easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP .
When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP ,
for now my time is UP ,
so......
..... it is Time to shut UP .....!
POLISH DIVORCE
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend
on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland ."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'
American Wisdom
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays
from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students of USA :-
1. "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
3. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
4. "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
5. "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
6. "To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
7. "The parts of speech are lungs and air."
8. "The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
9. "A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing
the population."
10. "Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
11. "The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the
top and you sit on the bottom."
12. "The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at
the top and plural at the bottom."
13. "Iron was discovered because someone smelt it."
14. "Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners."
15. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
16. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the fall when the apples are falling off the trees.
18. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
for the same offence. 19. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline. 20. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by
another man of that name.
21. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
22. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
23. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
24. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Bad Wish
Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean.
They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions
before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.
On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation,
they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp.
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.
Out popped a tired old genie who said,
"Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys,
and, quite frankly, I'm burned out.
You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here... so make it a good one."
The first guy blurted out, without thinking,
"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer.
"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy,
slapping the first guy on the side of the head.
"Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
a silly one...
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,
" why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
More ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson.. Paging Mr. Johnson..
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
Monday, March 27, 2006
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so
it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
Friday, March 24, 2006
useful tips
1. Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. if you find yourself
out of coverage area of your mobile network and there is an
emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network
to establish the emergency number for you and interestingly this
number 112 can be dialed even while the keypad is locked. Try it out.
2. Locked the keys in the car? (Applicable to remote lock) This May
come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock
your keys in the car and the spare keys are home, call someone on
your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door
and have the other person at your home press the unlock button,
holding it near the phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves
someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object.
You could be hundreds of miles away and if you can reach someone who
has the other remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the
trunk). Editor's Note: *It works fine! We tried it out and it
unlocked our car over a cell phone!"
3.Imagine your cell battery is very low, you are expecting an
important call and you don't have a charger". Nokia instrument
comes with a reserve battery. To activate, key is *3370# Your cell
will restart with this reserve and your instrument will show a
50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you
charge your cell next time.
"Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and
character produces hope (Romans 5:3-4)."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Its tuff being a guy and others...
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing guy.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
**************************
A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all. Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it. Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs. She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you." Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do." Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious. Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you. When she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."
Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law. Weeks went by and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother. After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with. The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter. Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again. She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her." Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her." HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you. Send this to your friends and spread the POWER OF LOVE.
*********************************
If you don't read this then you are really missing something....
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady. During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."
I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.
2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
One night, at 11:30 P.M. , an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally ! unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.. It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.
He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.
"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, dance like you do when nobody's watching."
NOW more than ever -
******************
Not just some shit. really crazy fate. This is cool. just read it. A true incident...(Repeat)
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the bullets went through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
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Interesting case : Any Solution ??
Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying, "I would pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court". Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course. when the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, student will still Pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way i will have to get the money".
Equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as ! per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the teacher. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything".
This is one of the greatest paradoxes ever recorded in history.
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A man from the West, decided to write a book about holy places around the World. He started by flying to various holy places.
Going to a very large place in USA, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$1000 a minute." Seeking out the religious Guru, he asked about the phone.
The Guru answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God.
The man thanked the guru and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit the holy places in Egypt, Israel, Iran, USA, Europe, Nepal, Japan, Australia and all around the world, he found more phones, with the same sign and price, and got the same answer from each Guru.
Finally, he arrived in Kerala, (India) Upon entering a temple, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But this time, the sign read "Calls: Rupee1 per minute."
Fascinated, he asked the Guru. "Guru Ji, I have been in places all across the world, and in each place I have found this golden telephone and have been told it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But in the other temples the cost was $1000 a minute. Your sign reads Rupee 1/Minute. Why?
The Guru, smiling, replied, "Son, you're in India now. This is God's own country... and it's a local call." Welcome to India!
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A Woman's Secret .. and her Prayer
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover....
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness......
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling all the dolls..."
Women will love this............... A Prayer.
Dear Lord, I pray for :
Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...!
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a 100 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said "NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 200 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......
She said "THE B*****D USED COINS!!!"
Management Lesson..............is..........??
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
CIA
New toothpaste for children
MEN Q and A
You can enjoy all but the head.
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
They both get hot in 15 seconds.
Because that would make him a woman.
Because it is swollen.
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Because sperm are male and they refuse to askfor directions.
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.
It is rarer.
Who else is going to mow the lawn.
A rumor.
Honey, I am home!
They never left puberty.
His lips are moving.
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Digital Ramayana
LAN, LAN ago, in the land of I/O-dhya, there ruled a king named
DOS-rat. Three queens had he - CONSOLE-ya, CHECKSUM-itra and CIE/CAE (Kaikeyi). However, he had no line drivers - i.e. no one to perpetuate his line. In sheer desperation, he performed a great sacrifice after which his queens gave birth to four sons - RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana.
RAM was a microchip off the old block - he had an excellent memory, he logged in quickly and semi-conducted himself in a manner fit for a king. His brothers, however, were only perpheralI ICs; everytime RAM addressed them, they said, "I-C". Once when RAM was only sixteen years old, the great sage Vish-WAN-mitra sought his help to fight some DAEMONs who persistently RAIDed his hermitage. After a brief collision, RAM routed them so easily that he came to be called DAEMON ROUTER.
RAM then proceeded to Media, where he married Pricess C+ta. C+ta's sisters, who were not her blood sisters and hence called
TRAN-sisters, married RAM's ICs. This ceremony came to be known as TTL. On the way back to I/O-dhya, the entourage met Parasu-ROM (or P-ROM as he was better known), the scourge of the kshatriyas. Taking up the P-ROM challenge, RAM aimed an arrow at him; he threatened to take away P-ROM's powers of locomotion, thereby converting him to Static RAM.
P-ROM humbly withdrew and the procession reached I/O-dhya.
Twelve years passed and DOS-rat decided to crown RAM as his successor. However, CIE/CAE, at the instigation of her BIOSed maid MANtharai(a real plotter), insisted that her son Bug-rat be crowned king and that RAM be banished to the FOR(;;)est for fourteen years. At this cruel and unexpected demAND, a surge passed thru DOS-rat and he CRASHED, power-less.
RAM agreed to go to FOR(;;)est and C+ta insisted to go with him. She said that at the time of her marriage, her father had advised her to follow the footsteps of her husband like a shadow, hence, she came to be called SHADOW-RAM.
LSI-man was also resolved on accompanying his brother as a SLAVE LSI. Unable to bear separation,
DOS-rat died, setting the precedent that no system could function in the absence of RAM. The forest was the dwelling of SPARC-nakha, the sister of RAW-van, King of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he marry her. RAM routed her to LSI-man, who also politely declined. Perceiving C+ta to be the source code of her distress, she hastened to kill her.
At this stage LSI-man executed the Memory resident code and converted SPARC-naak to SPARC-no-naak. He TRUNCATED her nose.
Weeping, SPARC-no-naak fled to LAN-ka, where RAW-van, moved by sisters plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha.
Ignoring MAR-icha's compilation warnings not to RISC SPARC-ing a war with RAM, he insisted on going ahead. Accordingly, MAR-icha transformed himself into the form of golden sTAG and drew RAM deep into the forest.
Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, who, with his last
breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this Virtual RAM cry, C+ta urged LSI-man to his brothers aid. Catching the opportunity, RAW-van delinked C+ta from her library and changed her root directory to LAN-ka by BROADCASTING her over sky.
PART-II
RAM and LSI-man started FINDing for the missing i-node, c+ta all over the forest. They made friendship with the forest admin SU-greev and his powerful co-processor ha-NEUMAN.
ha-NEUMAN was a legendary figure. He had a swollen cheek ARCHITECTURE. He was a child prodigy and came up with newer methedologies and techniques which inspired many others.In particular his RAM mantra technique became extremely popular for generations.
SU-greev agreed to help RAM but first wanted help from RAM to delete his own root node VAALI.(valli?) SU-greev's intention was obvious. He wanted to be the only admin around & wanted to grab all the consulting jobs in the forest.
RAM fought with VALLI and surprised him using some un-documented features.VALLI cried foul and started complaining to the justice
department saying that it was not a fair fight.RAM then convinced everyone using his trademark MICRO SOFT WORDs coupled with a few FREE vedic goodies.Though some of the onlookers such as ORACLE (seer)and pancha bhutas such as SUN, disagreed with RAM's micro soft touch,they all shut their mouths fearing RAM's reach among the user community.
SU-greev was happy with the outcome and ordered his programmers to use powerful 'search' techniques to find the missing c+ta. His programmers searched all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Some of them shouted 'YAA-HOO' but ended up with 'not found' messages. Several other search techniques proved useless.
ha-NEUMAN using a radically different paradigm devised a RISKy technology and used it to cross the seas at astonishing clock speeds. On the way he bumped with a few satellite signals but was able to avoid deflections due to his own high strength. As soon as ha-NEUMAN reached LAN-ka, he had to collide with its firewall called LAN-ki. The firewall made disperate attempts to stop ha-NEUMAN entering into its internal web, but the great ha-NEUMAN detected a loop hole in LAN-ki's firewall. Using micro code, he broke the security and entered LAN-ka.
After doing some local search, ha-NEUMAN found C+ta weeping under the weight of a TREE structure. ha-NEUMAN used a unique key-id (ring) to identify himself to C+ta. After decrypting the key, C+ta believed in him and asked him to send a STATUS_OK message to RAM through RING topology.
Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around C+ta tied ha-NEUMAN and tried to terminate him using pyro-techniques. But ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos among the raakshasas by SPAMMING the fire using some side effects.
Several raakshasa programmers were later called to restore the operational stability in LAN-ka. ha-NEUMAN happily escaped LAN-ka again and conveyed all the STATUS messages to RAM and SU-greev.
RAM felt happy with ha-NEUMAN's methedology of execution and embarked on a project code named EXPLORER to delete the netESCAPING RAW-wan. He even created a bridge and GATEWAY to acess LAN-ka network In the mean time, signs were apparent in LAN-ka about the imminent danger from RAM's project EXPLORER, but RAW-wan refused to budge.
Sensing disaster, his own sub-program called vibhee-SHUN, executed a 'GO TO' statement and branched out to RAM's camp. RAW-wan still insisted on taking the all powerful RAM head-on. He decided to use the boons given to him by SUN, sHIVa etc.and prepared for the battle on a remote island on LAN-ka called JAVA.
He thought that his presence in JAVA will give him victory over RAM. RAM and his entourage made small and buggy progress in the
begining but the world community on the whole started watching them with awe. In the battle on JAVA island, it appeared initially that RAM had no chance.In fact one of the RAW-wan's SUN indrajIT(son) almost killed RAM & LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra called JAVA-BEAN. It appeared for a while that the world has seen the end of RAM's MICRO SOFT touch. But ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-Xgradients from HILL GATES and concocted a potion using some herbs.
His powerful HERBAL-COMPUTER aided him in making this potion which restarted RAM and LSI-man. Appearing, reluctant RAM used the source code secrets of RAW-wan given by vibhee-SHUN and once and for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense on the earth. Before that he even SCHEDULED RAW-wan to come next day when all his resources were locked up bu RAM's virus weapons He proved again that even the so called invincible RAW-wan cannot be netESCAPED from his power. After the battle, RAM spreaded his MICRO SOFT WORKS and other user friendly programs to all users across the world and every one lived happily thereafter.
END OF DIGITAL RAMAYANA
Hotel California - Indian Version
On a dark crowded highway
brylcreem in my hair
warm smell of parathas
rising up through the air
up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
my eyes grew dim and my head grew light
I had to stop for the night
there they stood in the doorway
they were desis you could tell
I got out fearfully
saying this will surely be hell
all around us were buildings
Sun, SGI and Dell
I slowly unloaded my things
In the shadows of Intel
and still those parking lots were full of Hondas
waiting up in the middle of the night
to be driven home by programers
welcome to the town of Sunnyvale
such a desi place, such a crazy place
we're livin' it up in the town of Sunnyvale
such a nice surprise, so many people with no lives
my heartstrings were twisted
I wanted to feel at home
where thousands of desis existed
and no white man dared roam
sambar stains on the ceilings
mango lassis on ice
sit and watch the paint peeling
or make daal and boil rice
but my mind revolted
at the very thought
I grabbed my bag and bolted
I'd escape no matter what
and still those voices are calling from far away
wake you up in the middle of the night
I can hear them say
welcome to the town of Sunnyvale
such a desi place, such a crazy place
we're livin' it up in the town of Sunnyvale
such a nice surprise, so many people with no lives
I wake up in a cold sweat thank god it was a dream,
there is no need to fret.
I still live in the Marin.
Oh, I still live in Marin.
Technorati Tags : hotel+california, indian+version
A story with a happy ending
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow
of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days,
and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen
refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and
eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told
her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce
her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but
only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
.......including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????
Monday, March 20, 2006
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with
a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist
and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and
whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.
The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the
office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out
a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you
have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a
sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By
this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog
and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have
some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be
bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
The Nudist Colony and others
A Baniya joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Baniya replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him toward her, and happily lets him have his way with her.
Baniya continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam toward him.
The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Baniya replies, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man easily spins Baniya around and has his way with him.
Baniya rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"
Baniya says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $5000 enrollment fee."
The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours, you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Baniya replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
**********************
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?
One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary !!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company .
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
Dear Marian
I kNOw you have been working very hard.
NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.
You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United State s may go into aNOther recession.
After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw.
You kNOw what I mean
***********************
Newly Wed Couple
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
**********************
Two Married Buddies
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!
His friend looks at him and says, "It's all in the attitude, buddy. You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my clothes on the floor, jump naked into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?' and she acts like she's sound asleep every time.
***********************
The Murder
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
**********************
Do Re Mi
Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) "D'OH!"
Friday, March 17, 2006
more humour
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
******************
A guy with a 25-inch prick went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.
The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"
"No!", she said.
He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!"
And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!" ....
Moral of the story??
Know When to Quit.
****************************
The Perfect Boss . . .
There were about 70 scientists working on a very hectic project. All of them were really frustrated due to the pressure of work and the demands of their boss but everyone was loyal to him and did not think of quitting the job.
One day, one scientist came to his boss and told him - Sir, I have promised to my children that I will take them to the exhibition going on in our township. So I want to leave the office at 5 30 pm.
His boss replied "OK, You're permitted to leave the office early today"
The Scientist started working. He continued his work after lunch. As usual he got involved to such an extent that he looked at his watch when he felt he was close to completion.The time was 8.30 PM. Suddenly he remembered of the promise he had given to his children.
He looked for his boss,,He was not there. Having told him in the morning itself, he closed everything and left for home.
Deep within himself, he was feeling guilty for having disappointed his children.He reached home. Children were not there.His wife alone was sitting in the hall and reading magazines.
The situation was explosive, any talk would boomerang on him. His wife asked him "Would you like to have coffee or shall I straight away serve dinner if you are hungry.
The man replied "If you would like to have coffee, i too will have but what about Children ??"
Wife replied "You don't know ?? Your manager came here at 5.15 PM and has taken the children to the exhibition "
What had really happened was ... The boss who granted him permission was observing him working seriously at 5.00 PM. He thought to himself, this person will not leave the work, but if he has promised his children they should enjoy the visit to exhibition.
So he took the lead in taking them to exhibition
The boss does not have to do it everytime. But once it is done, loyalty is established.
That is why all the scientists at Thumba continued to work under their boss eventhough the stress was tremendous.
By the way , can you hazard a guess as to who the boss was..?
He was none other than Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, President of India . . .
**********************
About Bras
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
***************************
Employee performance evaluation
These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations...I hope these don't apply to any of you!!!!!!
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give hi! m a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
*************************
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
A
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub.
As often happens in pubs, they began boasting.
]The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle".
The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming".
Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people shit themselves!"
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A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule And the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheet of Paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn
picture of a bird's legs.
No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test
getting angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test On the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said: "You tell me..."
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- 9 Things I Hate
- 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
- 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
- 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid R12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
- 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
- 5.
- 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
- 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
- 8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
- 9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
- 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
- How to speak to a man and be politically correc
Adam's new Organs
One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
A story of love madness and others
A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on
it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a separate room. Since
all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count,
I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek
"Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned
against a tree and started to count: "One, two, three..." As
"Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding.
"Reason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that it would hide
under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake.
And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty
one..." By this time, all the qualities were already hidden-except
"Love ". For stupid as "Love" is, he could not decide where to hide.
And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it
is to hide "Love".
"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when
"Madness" got to one hundred........."Love" jumped into a rose bush
where he hid.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!" As
Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because
"Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found
"Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all -
except Love.
Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You only need to
find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."
"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns
in the bush had pierced Love's eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had
happened. He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since
"Love" has become blind because of u.....u shall always be with him".
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is
always accompanied by Madness!
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A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have
a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of
fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes
into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday
************
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting
in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind
would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest
sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come
with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you
find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take
the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."