Funny Quotes

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees. - Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the
Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC
Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against
a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts,
then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. - Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up. - John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. - Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was
a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.- L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in
Taiwan. - Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? - P, Leeds

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester - Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour. - Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. - Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. - Thomas J

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
put people off buying the product. - Mark Mayhem

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their
Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was
able to spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an
n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get
away with this? - Billington Smyth