more humour

Old Woman

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

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A guy with a 25-inch prick went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor.

The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there. Ask her to marry you..she'll say "No".. and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,"Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said.

He lost 5 inches off his member!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!"

And the guy lost another 5 inches.

He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked again, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . .. NO! NO! NO!" ....

Moral of the story??

Know When to Quit.

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The Perfect Boss . . .

There were about 70 scientists working on a very hectic project. All of them were really frustrated due to the pressure of work and the demands of their boss but everyone was loyal to him and did not think of quitting the job.

One day, one scientist came to his boss and told him - Sir, I have promised to my children that I will take them to the exhibition going on in our township. So I want to leave the  office at 5 30 pm.

His boss replied "OK, You're permitted to leave the office early today"

The Scientist started working. He continued his work after lunch. As usual he got involved  to such an extent that he looked at his watch when he felt he was close to  completion.The time was 8.30 PM.  Suddenly he remembered of the promise he had given to  his children.

He looked for his boss,,He was not there. Having told him in the morning itself, he closed  everything and left for home.

Deep within himself, he was feeling guilty for having disappointed his children.He reached home. Children were not there.His wife alone was sitting in the hall and reading  magazines.

The situation was explosive, any talk would boomerang on him. His wife asked him  "Would you like to have coffee or shall I straight away serve dinner if you  are hungry.

The man replied "If you would like to have coffee, i too will have but what about Children ??"
Wife replied "You don't know ?? Your manager came here at 5.15 PM and has taken the  children to the exhibition "

What had really happened was ... The boss who granted him permission was observing him working seriously at 5.00 PM. He thought to himself, this person will not leave the work, but if he has promised his children  they should enjoy the visit to exhibition.

So he took the lead in taking  them to exhibition

The boss does not have to do it everytime. But once it is done, loyalty is established.

That is why all the scientists at Thumba continued to work under their boss eventhough  the stress was tremendous.

By the way , can you hazard a guess as to who the boss was..?

He was none other than Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, President of India . . .

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About Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.




Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!



(A} Almost Boobs...

{B} Barely there.

{C} Can't Complain!

{D} Dang!

{DD} Double dang!

{E} Enormous!

{F} Fake.

{G} Get a Reduction.

{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

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Employee performance evaluation

These are actual quotes taken from employee performance evaluations...I hope these don't apply to any of you!!!!!!

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give hi! m a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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DATING RITUALS

 WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.




 IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.



 ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


 JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



 CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


 INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


 BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.



 MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.



The POINT?

 A

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

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A lion, a gorilla and a chicken are talking in a pub.
As often happens in pubs, they began boasting.
]The lion said, "I'm the King of the Jungle because when I roar everyone runs out of the jungle".
The gorilla said, "That's nothing. I'm the King of the Jungle because when I beat my chest everyone runs out of the jungle screaming".

Both the lion and the gorilla turned to face the chicken who says, "Roaring, beating, pah! That's nothing. When I sneeze ten million people shit themselves!"

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A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule And the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheet of Paper divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn
picture of a bird's legs.

No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test
getting  angrier every minute.

Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test On the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:  "You tell me..."

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9 Things I Hate

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid R12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When yo u are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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How to speak to a man and be politically correc

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
        HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER ********************

Adam's new Organs

One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."


Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

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