Monday, January 09, 2006

Old Jewish Catskills comedy lines

Old Jewish Catskills Comedy Lines

Some of you may remember the old Catskill comics like Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, and Henny Youngman, et al.  Yep.  You?ve probably heard all of these before, but it?s fun to dig out some good clean humor every now and then?

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,  only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called  it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.
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* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his  bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little
dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're
the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of  work he's out of.
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.


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