Lonely Lady

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I miss my husband.  I really do.  He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company.  So, I'd like to propose the
following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today.  I will cook a great  meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know  you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom,  should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.

Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

***************************
Ten Good Things About The Flu


10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can shlep about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.  
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to pass the virus on to those you really dislike

 

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