You're at a Bad New Years Party

1.To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packete of shrimp you've been eating all night
4. It's January 6th
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer

*************************

Kofi Annan�s New Year's UN Resolutions

Be brave -- ask US for more money.

Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratish.

Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the
rogue state of Luxembourg.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word �Secretary� from title.

�General Annan� catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER",or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or �THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB�.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations.

Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!

  For all friends and family who intend to send me greetings / luv this year as they did in 2005, let me tell you last year it didn't do F#@%a#l. I would appreciate this year if you would send CASH.

THINGS THAT TAKE 50 YEARS TO LEARN

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use,
as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

*************************
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot! Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," says the doctor. The new mother thinks, Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise! Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

An Amusing One...

I got this Joke from an Indian friend of mine who works for an American firm dolling out Pizzas in Bangalore...I know most ( almost 80%) of the readers of this blog are from America...( how do I know that...ask me and I will tell...:) )Although I have nothing against the American people, some of who are very dear friends. I hope this one , which i found to be amusing does not hurt the American sentiment. Not that it will...It's a Joke...Yeah!!!

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American, typically Chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat:

The American: Do you eat that bread-entirely?

The Indian: Of course!

The American: We do not. We only eat the inner part; the crust is put in A container, later processed, transformed into flour and then sold to India. The Indian says nothing.

The American continues: Do you eat this jelly with the bread?

The Indian repeats: Of course.

The American: We do not. We eat our fresh fruits for breakfast; we keep All the peels and seeds in containers. Later we process it, and transform it into jelly and then we sell it to India.

The Indian asks: And what do you do with the condoms after you use them?

American: We throw them away, of course!

Indian: We do not..! We keep them in containers, process them, transform  them into chewing gum and then sell it to The United States !!!
 

A Camper's Story

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag
migratory birds was changed.

The bands used to bear the name of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv."

The agency then received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"To whom it may concern:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service

******************************
Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

Test of intelligence?

A quick test of intelligence. Don't cheat! Because if you do, the test won't be any fun. I promise, there are no tricks to the test. Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again. See below... Answer below:















ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch.
Many people forget the OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost everybody, although I bet you got all six due to your superior reading capabilities.

Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age.. and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow *your* tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!

Another Bushel

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

 

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:  370HSSV-0773H

 

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moshe Pippick took one look at it and replied:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

 

 

Popular words of the 90's

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. This is what consultants are for, to take blame.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. That's where I work, is in a Cube farm.

IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. The world I've helped create.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. It commonly happens in most Cube Farms.

SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Thankfully we're avoiding this.

SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids,no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs."We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists. This is what direct employees do to get away.

TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.

FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD Job = A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous £20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe £8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps.

*********************************
FOOD FOR THOUGHT :FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945 - WE ARE SURVIVORS!!!! Consider the changes we have witnessed

• We were born before television, before penicillin, before polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, plastic, contact lenses, Frisbees and the Pill.
• We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball points; before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes -- and before man walked on the moon.
• We got married first and then lived together....How quaint can you be?
• In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of."
• Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.
• We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent and Outer Space was the back row of the Cinema.
• We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, and commuter marriages.
• We were before daycare centers, group therapy, and nursing homes.
• We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt and guys wearing earrings.
• For us, time-sharing meant togetherness -- not computers or condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant hardware; and software wasn’t even a word!
• We hit the scene when Woolworths sold everything for sixpence. Mr. Whippy and Tonibell sold ice cream cones for thruppence. For one penny you could ride a trolleybus, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or two postcards. You could buy a new Morris Oxford for £300, but who could afford one; a pity too, because petrol was only 1 and 6p a gallon.
• In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a Grandma’s lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Headmasters office.
• We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby!

No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap. BUT WE SURVIVED.....What better reason to celebrate.
-Author Unknown

 

 

Technorati Tags : popular+words+ 90's, Those+born+before+1945,

Gift wrapping Tips for men, Drink Bill hates and santas Pick up lines

Gift wrapping tips for men

 

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
 
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact there is no mention of wrapping paper.
 
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
 
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics 1. They were wise. 2. They were men.
 
Men are not big gift wrappers.
Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.
 
This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
 One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
 
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)  If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
 
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.
My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
 
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning
Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.
You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
Your wife: I want a divorce.
You: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
 
--  Author Unknown (but definitely male)

*****************************

 

Back in their day, Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo were at a summit dinner in France.
 
The waiter asks "Le apperitive?"
 
All of them answer, "Oui!"
 
The waiter looks at Zedillo, "Le tequila?"
 
Zedillo: "Oui!"
 
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, "Le vodka?"
 
Yeltsin: "Oui!"
 
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, "Le whisky?"
 
Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH!"

 

************************************

 

Santa's Pick up lines

 

• Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
• Care to see my twelve inch elf?
• I've got something special in the sack just for you!
• Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
• I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
• Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
• Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it...)
• I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
• Screw the "nice" list. I've got you on my "nice AND naughty" list!
• Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
• I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
• I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
• One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
• That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
• Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
• I got your stocking stuffer right here!
• Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!

Technorati Tags : Gift, wrapping, Tips, for, men, Drink, Bill, hates, and, santas, Pick, up, lines

Honesty - the Best Policy

 

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees beautiful woman and strikes up a conversation. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says,

"Oh no! It's so late. My wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he precedes to rub on his hands and then goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

"Where have you been?" Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and says...
"You big fat liar!!! You were playing pool again !!!


Moral of the story:
(1) Always tell your wife the truth.
(2) She won't believe you anyway.
(3) At least your conscience will be clear

 

Resposibilities

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

MOM : "One, you are FORTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

 

 

Priceless

 

 

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!!!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM , drunk and delirious.

Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"



Moral:

Self-induced hangover -- $ 100.00

Broken furniture -- $2,000.00

Breakfast -- $ 10.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS

Confucius says...

• Man who kisses tits always gets bust face.
• Man pays and lays woman on soft ground, then gets hard up.
• Glamour girl works for MGM all day and FOX at night.
• Woman use lemon for dinche - gets sour puss
• Man dances with girl, puts mirror on shoes , sees real colour of hair.
• He who plays golf in wet weather comes home with wet balls.
• Newly weds go for honey moon six days only - seventh day makes whole week.
• Squeeze lemon in front of synagogue - see jews come out.
• Man puts rooster in fridge - gets stiff cock.
• Woman in aeroplane upside down , soon have crack up.
• She who plays in spring soon gets offspring.
• Man is pimp become crack salesman.
• Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
• Man go to bed with sex problem in mind wake up find solution in hand.
• Girlfriend in jockeys lap gets hot tip.
• Mistress in husbands lap make harder for wife.
• Girl sitting in boss' lap gets quick rise.
• Girl sitting in judges lap gets honourable discharge
• Silly man gives wife piano, wise man give organ.
• Girl with boyfriend with foreign features must keep him out of dark room - he has Russian hands and Roman fingers.

Question: What is the height of globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,

riding in a German car with a Dutch engine,driven by a Belgian who was high on

Scottish whiskey,followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,on japanese motorcycles,

treated by an American doctor,using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Indian, using Bill Gates'technology which he stole

from the Japanese.And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that

use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,transported by lorries driven by Indians,hijacked by

Indonesians and finally sold to you!

That, my friend, is Globalization

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to
decide what makes him so sexy.

When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he
turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him.

But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he
looks down to see if he's unzipped.

**************************

Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son, if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her."

THERMO-DYNAMICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a university chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Provide proof to support your answer.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

I am Tired, Yes, I'm tired.

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron- poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is really worth living.

But now I found out, it ain't that. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work  Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

Bummer..

And you're sitting there reading this.

No wonder I'm tired.

**************************

Lola is on the phone, "Hello? Pizza Hut? Do you have anything on special?"

From the other end of the line comes, "Yeah, our veggie haters delight. It has twelve kinds of meat and five different cheeses.

Lola asks, "Does anything come with that?"

"A coupon for Weight Watchers."

***************************

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.

Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

********************************

Oops

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive
blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.
"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change. "Er, I'm sorry. Do I
know you?" The man said in some confusion. "Oh, my mistake. I thought
you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically,
and picking up her shopping, she left the store.

The man was astonished. He thought,"How amazing that a good looking
woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children."
Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that
could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been
blonde, pretty, and about the same height.

On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran
over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met
that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh*gged on
the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and
I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."

The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's
English teacher."

So you think this is an easy ride huh???...Scroll down 

 

 

 

Oh! My Gosh... 

Pierre and Marie


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Moral Of The Story: NEVER FUCK WITH A FRENCH FIGHTER PILOT!

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

 
 

Funny

This is too  funny!!! click on the  link then run your mouse  over the people standing at the bus stop

 

Peeping

             \        /
              | \\  // |
            ( | (.) (.) | )
-----o00o--(_)--o00o-----------------

Some mail I received today

Received this mail today...better safe than sorry...huh? ;)

Extremely Important - NO JOKE

D uring the next several weeks be VERY cautious about opening or launching any e-mails that refer to the World Trade Center or 9/11 in any way, regardless of who sent it. PLEASE FORWARD TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, "WTC" STANDS FOR THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. REALLY DANGEROUS BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL OPEN IT RIGHT AWAY, THINKING ! ITS A STORY RELATING TO 9/11!

BIGGGG TROUBLE !!!! DO NOT OPEN "WTC Survivor" It is a virus that will erase your whole "C" drive.. It will come to you in the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person. I repeat, a friend sent it to me, but called and warned me before I opened it. He was not so lucky and now he can't even start his computer!

Forward this to everyone in your address book. I would rather receive this 25 times than not at all. So, if you receive an email called "WTC Survivor", do not open it. Delete it right away! This virus removes all dynamic link libraries (all files) from your computer.


PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE

I got this emailed to me from a Geman friend of mine today...it's aptly titled
"Finde die Deutsche" translated to mean 'Find the German'.
 

Google tricks

Google Tricks…weird but funny
 
Search for the words typed in “quotes” by clicking on the “I’m feeling lucky button.” Try these hilarious tricks, on google.com (pop up); or click www.google.co.in to continue
 
Type in "French Military Victories" and click the "I'm feeling lucky" button…Cheeky huh?
 
Try "anti-war peace protesters" and click "I'm feeling lucky"
 
If you are really feeling naughty, try "Fuck Nuts"
 
Also try-
 
"miserable failure" or even

"worst president"
 
"Weapons of Mass Destruction"
 
"Moron"
 
"Spawn of satan"….They have changed the link even on msnbc page…well all the presidents men cannot hide this…click here for the actual pic.
 
 
"Elmer Fudd" and watch the google page
 
"Shit"…
 
"asshole"

ASSICONS and EMOTICONS

Some new smileys

(-!-)            a regular ass
(-?-)            a dumb ass
(-0^ ^0-)       a wise ass
(-E=mc2-)       a smart ass
(-13-)           an unlucky ass
(-x-)            kiss my ass
(-$-)            money coming out of his ass


:-#              Dont tell anyone
+o(              Sick
%+{              Lost a fight
l^o              Hepcat
>>>>+*  Christmas tree
%*@:-)     Freaking Out
$-)              Yuppie
:-(=)               Bucktoothed
:-{{             Very angry
;-.)             Cindy Crawford
~:o              Baby
%-6              All mixed up
~~\8-O  Bad Hair day
:-))                Double chin
:-@!             Cursing
:=)              Orangutan
(((H)))          Big Hug
:-Z              Angry face
:*)              Drinking Every Night
*-)              Thinking

Gender Objects

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender...

Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons a re pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have

to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!