Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.As it
turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..As I
walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss.
"Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do
we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
exciting". "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom
and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake
----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----on the couch ----Naked !!

Family Loop

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Some whacky quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. - Franklin P. Jones

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Math Students Love Letter

My Dear Love,

 

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

 

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

 

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

 

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

 

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Funny Classifieds

Top 9 Funniest News paper C lassifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

  1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man....if only I knew A B C....)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.                       
(sure...thanx for the warning!)

3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)

4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)

5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)

6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
(uh...huh!)

8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey....who taught cows the bad habit??)

9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work!)

******************************
Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo! What the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't Mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house."

About Poker players

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

What they dont teach in B schools

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing !"

Boyz will be Boyz

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to
Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first". Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub".

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In
fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next".

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble
in the bathtub".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a
day"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

A different sardar

 A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the maninsists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains.

Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says But we didn't go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again .

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $1.00"

"That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $349 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Quotes

During a period of upheaval at the company where
I worked, a number of office relocations were
occurring. Having assisted with various
moves, I considered myself quite the expert. So
when I saw two colleagues struggling to carry a
heavy desk up a flight of stairs, I went
over and advised them that the desk would be
much lighter if they removed the drawers. They
duly took out the drawers. Then they
balanced them on top of the desk and continued up the stairs.

- Deborah Hitchin

My sister-in-law, a teacher, was pulled over
for failing to come to a complete stop. The
officer wrote out a ticket and handed it to her
with some advice: "Drive safe."
"Safely," she replied.
"What?" the officer asked.
"You've corrected my driving," she explained.
"Allow me to correct your grammar."

- Therese Jelinski

After his marriage broke up, my manager became
very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water.
Together we made mud."

- Lori Phillips

Clearly I was not going to win the battle of
bulge on my own so I decided to join a gym.
"Before you start working out, we like to do a
health assessment," explained the gym
representative. "When you come in, wear loose fitting clothing."
"If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

-Kelly Blackwell

Zilah, my favourite aunt, is 74 and, as she
herself puts it, she's completely "together."
However, I went to her house the other day and
she appeared to be worried. After much
insistence, she confessed, "Darling, I think I'm
getting old. Yesterday I went to the movies and
rode a cab home."
"And what's wrong with that?"
I inquired. "I completely forgot I'd driven my own car there!"

- José Cláudio Garcia

As I passed the receptionist at our local
senior centre, I noticed that she was rummaging
through the lost-and-found box with one hand
while holding the telephone in the other. "I'm
sorry," she eventually told the caller.
"They're not here. If they turn up, we'll call you at once."
"What were you looking for?" a colleague asked.
"He wanted to know if anyone had turned in his teeth," she replied.
"He needs them for lunch."

- Elsie Morris

News that her third child was going to be a
girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two
boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny,"
she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as
her middle name in memory of my mum." I thought
they might want to reconsider their
decision, since their birth announcement would
herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

- Carolyn Wallis

Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in
our computer room during a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows,
Idiot's Guide to PowerPoint..."

- James Salt

My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate
chip cookies for the first time when he asked my
mother, "Why do I have to leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It
says right here, 'Leave room for spreading.'"

- Scott DeGieo

The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of
dozens of wooden squares. I decided I'd slice
railway ties into five-centimetre thick
pieces for the sections. That's what I told the
clerk at the lumber yard. "You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have
one question. How old do you want to be when you finish?"

- Judy Myers

Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in
college. You might be the one getting the
surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung
by my son's campus during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was the building he lived
in, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called
from inside. "Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the
front porch. We'll drag him in later."

- Jericho Housman

Kinds of Sex

Did you realize that there are 7 kinds of sex?!

 

I ----- SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah,I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

II ----- LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

III ----- QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

IV ----- CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

V ------ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'


VI --- NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr.old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly .

A riddle

 

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

 

 

Keep Thinking Hard!!!

 

Google Romance

 

Feeling Lucky???

Have you seen Google's latest service? Google Romance has arrived.

As they say, When you think about it, love is just another search problem. And we've thought about it. A lot.

Google Romance is our solution.Google Romance is a place where you can post all types of romantic information and, using our Soulmate Search, get back search results that could, in theory, include the love of your life. Then we'll send you both on a Contextual Date, which we'll pay for while delivering to you relevant ads that we and our advertising partners think will help produce the dating results you're looking for.

While you're checking it out, make sure to take the tour . Read it all the way through.

While they've obviously put a lot of resources into Google Romance, I do get the feeling that it might only be operating today so get in quick.

Technorati Tags : google+romance

A Sergeant's Story

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!