Laughter , the best medicine


Some of funny letters

Learn how to write leave letters from the following examples: This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!)For the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

HIC

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,"It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.

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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the! slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way,regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you alwaysfeel smarter after a few beers."


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The Cold Within

Six humans trapped in happenstance
In dark and bitter cold,
Each one possessed a stick of wood,
Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs
The first woman held hers back,
For of the faces around the fire,
She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way
Saw not one of his church,
And couldn't bring himself to give
The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes
He gave his coat a hitch,
Why should his log be put to use,
To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought
Of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned,
From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge
As the fire passed from sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood
Was a chance to spite the white

The last man in this forlorn group
Did naught except for gain,
Giving only to those who gave,
Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands
Was proof of human sin,
They didn't die from the cold without,
They died from the cold within

Wonderful Irish Joke

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused The painting depicted three

black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression

experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator at the gallery?" asked the couple "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied."In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

God help Noah, living in the Western Society!!

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard and no sign of the ordered ark.

"Noah"! , He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. It all started when I was informed that I needed a building permit.

. I've had long arguments with the inspector who insists I should install a sprinkler system in the ark.

. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

. When I started gathering the animals, I was sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They also argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

. Also, the trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

. To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Some Classics

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such away that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.

28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,and kills you with his bills.

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations:
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1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement.
We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating isensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

sardarji: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." sardarji: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest thing, I have been asking that question all day and each time I get a different answer


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors; Green,Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow. The old man just stared and stared. Everytime the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"


Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had made love with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."


one night a boy asked his girlfriend: "darling r u free tonight" his girlfriend shouted and replied "have i ever charged u before?"


This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked,"If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat"


Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party.

He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some young girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman "SMS" Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman said he had a date with Catwoman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman nakeed on the bed with her legs open and her eyes closed.

Superman thought to himself,

"So exotic, should I or shouldn't I ...wait ...I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be in there out again before she knew what happened."

So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "What is going on? Did you hear anything ...?" Hollow -Man replied, "No! But....... my AS* hurts like hell!"

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

CALL CENTRE JOBS: PEOPLE WONDER WHY THEY R PAID SO MUCH...... FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE.

TAKE A LOOK:


1)
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

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2)
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still getting the same error message.
" Tech Support:" Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

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3).
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
TechSupport:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."!
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."


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4).
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
TechSupport:: ?!%#$

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5).
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


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6)
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

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7).
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prom pt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"


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8 )
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."


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9).
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."


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10).
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an
illegal abortion."


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11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

12).Customer: "How do I print my voice mail?"

13).
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

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14).
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

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15).
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

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16).
A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that this computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our
Customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS. Letme know how it goes.


10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom' s thoughts, Kumar volunteered," I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I' ve been unable to find the silver chutney jar.

You

don't suppose she took it, do you? "

"Well, I doubt it, but I 'll email her, just to be sure " So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I 'm not saying that you did take the chutney jar from my house, I 'm not saying that you did not take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which

read:

Dear Son,

I 'm not saying that you do sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love, Mum.

Moral of the Story..... Don' t Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Indian!