New Rules to Live by
Rule 1
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years: because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years: because you don't particularly like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: he's mowing my lawn.
Rule 2:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Rule 3:
No more bathroom attendants, please. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude, I just want to get out of here.
Rule 4:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates as "Beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, baby, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
Rule 5:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "Decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," it just shows everybody what a complete asshole you are.
Rule 6:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good enough to make a movie.
Rule 7:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
Rule8:
I'm not the goddam cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter", verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who's supposed to be serving me is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Rule 9:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll just eat two, OK?
Rule 10:
No more gift registries, please. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Rule 11:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this rubbish at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.
Rule 12:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
Rule 13:
Never eat anything that's served to you out a window. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Smoked salmon?
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Rule 3:
No more bathroom attendants, please. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude, I just want to get out of here.
Rule 4:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates as "Beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, baby, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
Rule 5:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "Decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," it just shows everybody what a complete asshole you are.
Rule 6:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good enough to make a movie.
Rule 7:
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
Rule8:
I'm not the goddam cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter", verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who's supposed to be serving me is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Rule 9:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll just eat two, OK?
Rule 10:
No more gift registries, please. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
Rule 11:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this rubbish at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavored water.
Rule 12:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky little bastards.
Rule 13:
Never eat anything that's served to you out a window. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Smoked salmon?
posted by treebeard31 at 4:01 AM
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