Funny Emails

2006-06-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

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2006-06-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

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Top Headlines

2006-06-14T19:07:00.000-07:00

50 Top Newspaper Headlines
-------------------------------------------------------------
1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

Neighbours

2006-06-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

When neighbors, as is often the case, don't get along too well

This says it all...

The guy standing there can't do a darn thing about it.

Quotes

2006-06-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
~ Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
~ Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
~ Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
~ George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
~ Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
~ Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
~ Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
~ Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
~ Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
~ Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
~ Dustin Hoffman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
~ Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
~ Elmo Phillips

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
~ George Burns

2006-06-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

Time to Kill

2006-06-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Have time to kill...? Click here.

Some Amazing Pics

2006-06-13T03:15:00.000-07:00

These Happen Only in India

This Happens only in China

This happens only in Miami

Japan

Whatever you do - don't go to this hospital

2006-06-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

      1. The patient refused autopsy.
      2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
      3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
      4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B
      only a 40 Kg weight gain in the past three days.
      5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
      very hot in bed last night.
      6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
      7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
      disappeared.
      8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She al so appears to be
      depressed.
      9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
      10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
      11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
      forgetful.
      12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
      13. She is numb from her toes down.
      14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
      15. The skin was moist and dry.
      16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
      17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
      18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
      19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
      she got a divorce.
      20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
      therapy.
      21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
      22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
      23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
      24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
      25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
      26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
      27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

More Indian Humour

2006-06-13T02:36:00.000-07:00

1. SSC + HSC + BCOM + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4
minute song in Hindi movie.

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +
own production company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR.

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four
hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace =

One sooraj Barjataya Film

**********

& the winner is .........

One S/W engineer + No work = Many forwards...........!!!!

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

2006-06-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You take naps from noon to 6 PM

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.

If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to"
replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to
you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Two cowboys

2006-06-11T05:28:00.001-07:00

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail
dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers
and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a
sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head
"No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning
to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of
her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a
violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins
to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
Maneuver", but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Is there Baseball In Heaven ???

2006-06-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all
their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him
every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our
lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many
years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven,
and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know
if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've
been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all
possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of
nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,

Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's me, Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've
got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always
spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest
dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

An Application

2006-06-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: THIS APPLICATION WILL BE INCOMPLETE AND REJECTED UNLESS ACCOMPANIED BY A COMPLETE FINANCIAL STATEMENT, WORK HISTORY, LINEAGE, AND CURRENT MEDICAL REPORT FROM YOUR DOCTOR.

1. NAME_________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH___/___/___

2.HEIGHT__________________WEIGHT___________IQ______GPA_______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY#______________DRIVERS LIC#_______________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK___________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS______________CITY/STATE_______________ZIP_______

6. DO YOU HAVE ONE MALE AND ONE FEMALE PARENT?_______________
IF NO, PLEASE EXPLAIN___________________________________

7. NUMBER OF YEARS PARENTS MARRIED?____________________

8. DO YOU OWN A VAN?________________MOTORCYCLE?______________
TRUCK WITH OVERSIZED TIRES?___________WATERBED?____________
DO YOU HAVE AN EARRING?____NOSE RING?____BELLY BUTTON RING__

9. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEANS TO YOU?__________________________________________________

10. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES LATE MEAN TO YOU?________________________________________________________

11. IN 50 WORDS OR LESS, WHAT DOES ABSTINENCE MEAN TO YOU?__________________________________________

12. CHURCH YOU ATTEND?________________________

13. WHEN WOULD BE THE BEST TIME TO INTERVIEW YOUR FATHER?_________MOTHER?___________PRIEST?__________

14. ANSWER BY FILLING IN THE BLANK. PLEASE ANSWER FREELY, ALL ANSWERS ARE CONFIDENTIAL (THAT MEANS I WON'T TELL ANYONE)
A. IF I WERE SHOT, THE LAST PLACE ON MY BODY I WOULD WANT WOUNDED IS THE ________________
B. IF I WERE BEATEN, THE LAST PLACE I WOULD WANT BROKEN IS MY _____________
C. A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE ______________
D.. THE ONE THING I HOPE THIS APPLICATION DOESN'T ASK IS _________
E. WHEN I FIRST MEET A GIRL, THE THING I NOTICE FIRST IS HER ________
(NOTE: IF THE ANSWERS STARTS WITH A T OR AN A, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES, KEEPING LOW AND RUNNING IN A SERPENTINE FASHION IS ADVISED.)

15. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IF YOU GROW UP?________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL OF THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICA AN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________
SIGNATURE (THAT MEANS YOU SIGN YOUR NAME)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. PLEASE ALLOW FOUR TO SIX YEARS FOR PROCESSING. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED IN WRITING IF YOU ARE APPROVED. PLEASE DO NOT CALL OR WRITE (AS IT WILL CAUSE YOU INJURY)

Best little convent in Texas

2006-06-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his ey! e. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real! Then
he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS ! HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

A good Thought

2006-06-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

                                    F A M I L Y

                  I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
                    "Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

                      He said, "Please excuse me too;
                        I wasn't watching for you."

                 We were very polite, this stranger and I.
                  We went on our way and we said goodbye.

                  But at home a different story is told,
                How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

                 Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
                    My son stood beside me very still.

                 When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
                "Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

                 He walked away, his little heart broken.
                 I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

                         While I lay awake in bed,
               God's still small voice came to me and said,

                      "While dealing with a stranger,
                         common courtesy you use,
                but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

                     Go and look on the kitchen floor,
                You'll find some flowers there by the door.

                 Those are the flowers he brought for you.
              He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

             He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
           you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

                     By this time, I felt very small,
                      And now my tears began to fall.

                   I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
                  "Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

                "Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
                 He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

               I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
               I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

          I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
                 I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
                      He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
                            I love you anyway."

                       I said, "Son, I love you too,
             and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

                                  FAMILY
            Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
            that we are working for could easily replace us in
                             a matter of days.
             But the family we left behind will feel the loss
                       for the rest of their lives.

              And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
                    into work than into our own family,
                       an unwise investment indeed,
                             don't you think?
                       So what is behind the story?

                  Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
             FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

"True" Friendship

2006-06-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

"True" Friendship None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a
series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will
see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold
truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of 4.

Bill gates - Speech at a high school

2006-06-08T10:58:00.000-07:00

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60, 000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

Funny Joke - Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

2006-06-07T12:49:00.000-07:00

There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guys head who wears Bounty on his head. - Jay Leno

"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." - David Letterman

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Ladens organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." - David Letterman

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. Well taste your food, you check our mail." - Jay Leno

"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when were finished fighting there. Im sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." - Jay Leno

"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is Waldo." - Jay Leno

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait til we deliver his mid-life crisis." - Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." - Jay Leno

Word Press

2006-06-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

Funny Emails is now also on Word Press

Technorati Tags : word, press

Arjun SIngh

2006-06-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

WHICH IS ARJUN SINGH'S FAVOURITE CITY?

Ans : Kota

WHY DOESN'T ARJUN SINGH HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS?

Ans : Because he's 'reserved' by nature.

WHY DID ARJUN SINGH LEARN ARABIC?

Ans So that he could read 'backwards'.

ARJUN SINGH WAS MADE THE LAW MINISTER. HE ZAPPED EVERYONE BY CREATING ANOTHER SUPREME COURT. HE CALLED IT THE SUPREME TRIBUNAL. WHAT WAS HIS LOGIC?

Ans : For every SC, there should be an ST.

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE TO MAKE A CAREER IN FILMS, WHICH JOB WOULD HE OPT FOR?

Ans : CASTE DIRECTOR

IF ARJUN SINGH OWNED A MOVIE THEATER, WHAT WOULD THE BALCONY BE CALLED?

Ans : Backward Class

IF ARJUN SINGH WERE A HISTORIAN, HOW WOULD HE DIVIDE TIME?

Ans : AD, BC & OBC

If Arjun singh was part of the simpsons family, what would be his name?

Ans : O B Cimpson

What was arjun singh admitted to the hospital recently?

Ans: Coz he wanted to get Caste-rated.

What alternatives did arjun singh have to replace the dance bars?

Ans :Kothas

Technorati Tags : Arjun+Singh

Positive Atributes

2006-06-06T04:47:00.000-07:00

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream..."I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path.Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral:Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Tongue Twisters

2006-06-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

1 .If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2 .I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3 .Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he   could see was sea, sea, sea.

5 .Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought   I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

9 .Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10 . SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11 .The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12 .If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

13 .We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14 .Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16 .If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17 .Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

Technorati Tags : tongue+twisters

Good one

2006-06-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

Middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way Home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this!!!)

God replied

"I didn't recognize you."

Pakistani Math Question paper

2006-06-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

Instructions:

-----------------
i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.
ii)Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qaeda group.
iii)AK-47's and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Math Exam Time 3 hours Full Marks 100 - All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder .He has 7 wives in his house.
Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 Rupaye left in his house. Abdul's oldest wife needs atleast 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hashish, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60,70,80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buys more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim , a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount , find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time . Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta . If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf's city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai ,threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49,one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training.One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $,A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $ , grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistan Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in pakistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of a Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.
Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80% .
Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8) Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14....), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9) A 'GHAURI' missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass . The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.
Will the airplane ever reach Kargil ? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:
k=1, k1 and k<1.

10) Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of "Bisection of a Triangle" with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR

Life is how you look at it...

2006-06-03T15:29:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I read a quote from Vivekananda which helped me to detach myself from material goods ( Partly though ) :

"I was complaining to life that I had no shoes until I saw a man on the street who had no legs."

And now a friend has sent me this. I thought I should share this with you :

A tourist driving through the Deep South passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, "Did you lose a shoe?"

"Nope," the boy replies. "Found one."

2 fleas

2006-06-03T05:27:00.000-07:00

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?

The first flea says, "I rode down here from Detroit in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying,"That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you're there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle
in where it's warm and cozy. You'll be in Miami in no time. It's the
best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by.When the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue
and shivering and shaking again, damn near frozen to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said.....I went to
the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was
so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley"

BBQ season

2006-06-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

After the long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is some kind of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Technorati Tags : BBQ

Man is Like an Automobile...

2006-06-03T05:22:00.000-07:00

~ As it gets older, the differential starts slopping, and the
U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

~ The transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has
difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question!

~ The cylinders get worn and lost compression, making it hard to
climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing the tappets clatter
and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it
to the top.

~ The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making
it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill ya!

~ It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose.
His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out,
making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights
grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

~ His shifter is stuck in the down position which is the 'low
position' and ya can't get anywhere that way.

~ But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished,
giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one
more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

2006-06-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Lateral Thinking

2006-06-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

Perfect lesson on being alert and thinking on your feet.

Many years ago, in a small Indian village, a farmer had the
misfortune ofowing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The
moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful
daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the
farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his
daughter were horrified by the proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let providence decide
the matter. He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white
pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would have to pick one
pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his

wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be

thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As
they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he
picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two
black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to
pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you
have done if you were the girl?

If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag
and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3.The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order
to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with
the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between
lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved
with traditional logical thinking.

Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Think Hard!

May be some interesting ideas in your mind now! .........................

Well, here is what she did.

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble.

Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the
pebble-strewn path where it immediately became lost among all the
other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into
the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had
picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his
dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into
an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Most complex problems do have a solution. It is only that we don't
attempt to think.

Another joke

2006-06-02T08:56:00.000-07:00

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother"

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT: GOVERNMENTIUM

2006-06-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of
the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact; a minute amount of Governmentium can cause one reaction to
take over 4 days to complete which would normally take place withi
less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to
as a Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an
element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many
peons but twice as many morons.

-- Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it

Self Appraisal!

2006-06-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and
pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that
he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in
seven digits.

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: The boy
asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? The woman
replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts
your lawn now." replied boy. The woman responded that she was very
satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even
sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the
prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman
answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The
store-owner, who was listening to all, walked over to the boy and
said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and
would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my
performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working
for that lady, I was talking to!"

Women over 40 and Poor ole Dave

2006-06-02T08:41:00.000-07:00

In case you missed it on 60 minutes. This is for all girls around
40...AND...for guys who are scared of girls over 40. This was written
by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40
most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will
never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you
thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40
doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about
it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something
more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with
you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of
course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they
think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know
what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to
a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier
than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if
you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to
wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart,
well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in
yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free". Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are
against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an
entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

*******************

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and > brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did
she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
bitch tonight, Dave."

2006-06-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Toll Payment

Office memo

2006-05-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

Read the following announcement

This is what happened when a certain Company posted the following memo:

OFFICE MEMO:

May all members of staff please note that there will only be one drink per person at this year's Christmas Party. And please bring your own cup !

Regards,

Management

Then scroll down

Michelin

2006-05-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

New Tyres

Technorati Tags : Michelin, New+tyres

Toon Time

2006-05-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

Toon time

Reservation

2006-05-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

Technorati Tags : reservation, deewar

Silly things to think about:

2006-05-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things to ponder.... Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car-pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?....

Yes i do sometimes...:)

Thoughts on Women

2006-05-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

# Thought 1 #
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to
be liberated from?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 2 #
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end,
the mourners wondering too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

# Thought 3 #
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind,
"If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around
the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
--------------------------------------------------------
# Thought 4 #
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as
her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was
wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could
feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the
secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today
is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what
his daughter gave him and continued,

"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.

Funny Emails is worth...

2006-05-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

Not much...lol.

Hey wait a minute from $0.00 to this in 12 months...well...

My blog is worth $5,080.86.
How much is your blog worth?

Thats something to talk about...

More humor on Reservations

2006-05-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

Manmohan Singh (PM-India) to Bush(President- USofA) - We are sending
Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronnaut

2006-05-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

Crazy Google Ads has to be one of the most inspired concept that I have come across in the blogosphere. Yeah, I came to it through the next blog button...Read and Enjoy!!!

Its a woman's world...repeat

2006-05-23T03:44:00.000-07:00

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,If after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question
was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even
the most knowledgeable man,

And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was
better than death. He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an
answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to
poll everyone:

The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester.
He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory
answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only
she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch
was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to
agree to her price first.The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot,
The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's
closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified.She was hunch-backed and
hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene
noises, etc. He had never encountered such repugnant creature in all
his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure
such a terrible burden,

But Lancelot, having learnt of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He
said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.And
the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was
proclaimed and the witch answered.

Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants?" She said, "Is to
be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew
that the witch had uttered a great truth. And that Arthur's life
would be spared. And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom. And Lancelot and
the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and,
Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the
bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he
had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot
asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so
kind to her when she appeared as a witch, She would henceforth be her
horrible and deformed self only half the time. And the beautiful
maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? She asked him.
"Beautiful during the day ... or at night?"

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, But at night, in the
privacy of his castle, an old witch!

Or, Would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day? But by
night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments with?

(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be?

(If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be?

What Lancelot chose, is given below:

BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below... OKAY?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question,

He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time.
Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her
own life. Now... what is the moral to this story?

The moral is...

1) There is witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is!

2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.

So, always remember:

IT'S EITHER "HER WAY" OR IT'S "NO WAY" !!!

I have often wondered

2006-05-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Now I Know...!!!

Technorati Tags : angelina+jolie

Male Brain

2006-05-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

Technorati Tags : male+brain

Do you think he is a

2006-05-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

Trend Setter????

Technorati Tags : new+male+bikini

The Tax Man

2006-05-20T20:50:00.000-07:00

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry
out an audit of the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, I
notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
way: "What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover)
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying
to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send
them back to the manufacturers,and every now and then they send a
free box of matzo balls."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all the leftover fore
skins from the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once
a year they send us a complete dick!"

Female and Male prayer

2006-05-18T06:58:00.000-07:00

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with great boobs
who owns a liquor store
and a fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme
and I don't care

Surprise

2006-05-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Guess Who...

Drive Carefully

2006-05-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

Car accidents dont just happen to cars...

Art

2006-05-17T12:45:00.000-07:00

Art - In The Economist

Technorati Tags : The+Economist

Child Bear

2006-05-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

Whats Indian for a Cold Alchoholic Beverage?

Whachamacallit

2006-05-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The
town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in
an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids
and Hemorrhoids." No go. Next, they tried "Catatonics and
High Colonics." Thumbs down again. Then came "Manic Depressives and
Anal Retentives." Still not good. Another attempt resulted in "Minds
and Behinds." Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass
Holes." No way. "Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope. "Nuts and Butts?"
Uh-uh. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget
it. Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." The town council loved it,
and finally everybody was happy.

Air Deccan

2006-05-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO AIR DECCAN !

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain PATEL
welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board of Air Deccan ..

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad
Weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we
will End up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in our favor, we may
even be landing on your village!

Air Deccan has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety
standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with
us! It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over
30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant
and memorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and Wada pav. For our
not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you
find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our
movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Kingfisher Airline,
where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in
the Cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us
to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as
possible. For the best view , if however, we go a little too close,
do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right
through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off
and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a
seat-belt, kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.

ENJOY FLYING AIR DECCAN !

Early week Jokes

2006-05-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy" and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."
"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

****************

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.

It's getting late, big boy, she says after a few minutes. Why don't we go upstairs to bed.

We might as well, slurs the husband. I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.

**************

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

**************

Bloglet to Feedblitz

2006-05-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

Funny Email feed has moved from Bloglet to Feedblitz...Kindly update your feeds thank you.

Whats In a Name...

2006-05-15T22:06:00.000-07:00

Whats In a Name you say??? Ask the Biharis...

Hi,

A man from Bihar was away from his wife for four (4) years while his
wife was in Patna (Bihar).

At the end of 4 years he distributed sweets to his colleagues in
office stating that his ! wife had delivered a son.

His colleagues were quite shocked and they asked how this "Happy
event" happened when he had not seen his wife for four years...

The man said it is common in Bihar that neighbours take care of the
wife (good Samaritans) when men are away.

The colleagues asked him, "What name will you give to the son?"

The man explained, "If its the second neighbour who has taken
care,then the name would be "DWIVEDI";

If it is the third neighbour then it would be "TRIVEDI",

If it is the fourth neighbour then it would be "CHATURVEDI";

If its the fifth neighbour then it would be "PANDEY"...

After listening to this, questions followed.

What if it is a mixture of neighbours? "Then the boy would be named
"MISHRA"...

And what if the wife is too shy to tell the name of the neighbour?
Then it would be "SHARMA"...

But what if she refuses to divulge the name of the neighbour? Then
the name of the child would be "GUPTA"...

If she does not remember the name then? "It is YAAD-AV"

But who knows whether the child resulted from a rape? Then it will be
named "DOSHI"...

Finally, if the child happened because of wife's burning desire? Then
he will be named "JOSHI"...

And if the whole country had made efforts for the happy arrival?....
"DESHPANDEY."

2006-05-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi,and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

********************
Q: What Are The Small Bumps Around
A Woman's Nipples For? A: Its Braille For "Suck Here".

Q: Why Did God Give Men Penises?
A: So They'd Have At Least One Way To Shut A Woman Up.

Q: What Is An Australian Kiss?
A: It Is The Same As A French Kiss, But Only Down Under.

Q: What Do You Do With 365 Used Condoms?
A: Melt Them Down, Make A Tire, And Call It A Goodyear.

Q: Why Can't You Trust A Woman?
A: How Can You Trust Something That Bleeds For Five Days And Doesn't Die?

Q: Why Are Hurricanes Normally Named After Women?
A: When They Come They're Wild And Wet, But When They Go They Take Your House And Car With Them.

Q: What's The Speed Limit Of Sex?
A: 68; At 69 You Have To Turn Around.

Q: Why Do Girls Rub Their Eyes When They Get Up In The Morning?
A: They Don't Have Balls To Scratch.

A seed of Kindness

2006-05-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

A Seed of Kindness

One winter night, an old couple dashed into the lobby of a small Philadelphia hotel, hoping for a room. But the clerk said, "All the rooms are full."

As they started to leave he said, "Would you be willing to sleep in my room? It's not a suite, but I think you'll be comfortable." At first they were reluctant, but he insisted, "Don't worry; I can sleep in the office." So they accepted.

The next morning when it was time to check out, the old gentleman said to the clerk, "Thank you: you should be the manager of the best hotel in the country. Maybe some day I'll build one for you." The clerk was amused, smiled, and thanked him.

Two years later the clerk received a round-trip ticket to New York City, and a letter thanking him again for his kindness. The old couple was inviting him to come and visit them. Although he's forgotten the incident, he decided to accept their offer.

When he arrived in New York City, they took him to the corner of 34th street and 5th Avenue. "That," said the elderly gentleman, pointing to a magnificent skyscraper, "is the hotel I have just built for you to manage."

The clerk said, "You must be joking" "I can assure you I'm not," he said.

The old gentleman's name was William Waldorf Astor. The hotel was the original Waldorf-Astoria. The young clerk was George C. Bolt-its first manager.
Don't forget to sow another seed of kindness today, for you can never tell what your harvest will be.

Bored at office?

2006-05-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

If you find it very boring in the office, here are some tips:

1. Form a detective agency to find out who is quitting next.

2. Make blank calls to your Boss.

3. Send mails from lotus notes (outlook) to your internet mail (and immediately get to the internet and see who reaches first, you or your mail?) and read them there, and note down the time they take to reach there. Then do vice versa............. !!

4. Rearrange the furniture, i.e. flick someone else's chair just to irritate him/her.

5. Count your fingers (and toes if you still get bored).

6. Watch other people changing their facial ex-pressions while working and try changing your ex-pressions also.

7. Try to stretch status meetings as longer as possible, just by asking silly doubts.

8. Make faces at strangers in office.

9. Have a two hour lunch; it's a big social occasion.

10. Learn to whistle.

11. Revise last week's newspaper.

12. Hold "How fast my computer boots" competitions.

13. Practice aiming the coffee cup into the dustbin.

14. Compile "How to waste your day"

15. Pick up phone and dial non-existing nos.

16. Have work breaks in between tea.

17. Count maximum no of applications your computer can open at time.

18. For Win NT/95 users....Move things to Recycle bin and restore them..Then repeat this process.

19. Look at someone & try to imagine how(s) he might have looked when(s) he was 5 years old.

20. Read jokes and send jokes.

21. Make full use of the comfortable chair and table provided and take a nap.

And if you are still getting bored.........................then

22. Fwd this mail to everyone u know .

Murphy's Laws

2006-05-10T21:30:00.000-07:00

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will
discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
a damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said
there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held
responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person
quits or is fired.

18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but
there is always enough time to do it over.

19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the
organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of
Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

22. People are always available for work in the past tense.

23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"

29. The longer the title, the less important the job.

30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the
repairman arrives.

31. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

35. If anything can go wrong, it will.

36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

37. Everything takes longer than you expect.

38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one
that will do the most damage will go wrong first.

39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.

40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.

41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for,
will promptly develop.

43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

44. Mother Nature is a bitch.

45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so
ingenious.

46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a
problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be
immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.

47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will
do as it damn well pleases. -- Harvard's Law

49. Never replicate a successful experiment. -- Fett's Law

50. Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- von Braun

51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White

52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information
available is inversely proportional to the importance of the
decision. -- Cooke's Law

53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point
upwards from the floor-especially in the dark. -- Ross's Law

54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the
description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of
the dish. -- Calkin's Law of Menu Language

55. Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -- Anthony's Law of Force

56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner
of the workshop. -- Anthony's Law of the Workshop

57. Arnold's Laws of Documentation:

(1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of
date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.

58. Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in
the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and
richer male friend.

59. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize
them into a committee -- that will do them in.

60. DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one
you don't want hits the paper.

61. Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean
windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam,
you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home
exam, you will forget where you live.

63. Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most
obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

64. First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself --
historians merely repeat each other.

Bandages on Bum

2006-05-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom,
but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down
his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks
were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place
he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing
pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the
room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?" "Well," Lena said, "it
could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the
bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through
the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those
Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

Five Surgeons

2006-05-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians,
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains no spine, and the head and the
ass are interchangeable."

New management Policy

2006-05-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Dear All,

Following Rules shall be adhered to With

Immediate Effect.

Pls Co -Operate...

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open and a picture will be taken ..

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught
smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health policy !

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have
to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.

Lunch Break Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a slim fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Smart Sardar...???

2006-05-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Sardarji is in a QuizContest trying to win prize

The questions are as follows:

1)      How long was the 100 yr war?

A)       116
B)       99
C)       100
D)      150

Sardar says "I will skip this"

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A)       BRASIL
B)       CHILE
C)       PANAMA
D)      EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A)       JANUARY
B)       SEPTEMBER
C)       OCTOBER
D)      NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?

A)       EDER
B)       ALBERT
C)       GEORGE
D)      MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards

5) The Canary Islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

           A)       CANARYBIRD
           B)       KANGAROO
           C)       PUPPY
           D)      RAT

Sardar gives up.

If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardarji's replies, Then please check the answers below:

....

....

....

....

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador
3) The October revolution is celebrated in November
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means   islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....

Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

Where would you be...?

2006-05-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES
YOU HAVE NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU...
YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES..

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE ??? ...

.
.
.

.
.

IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE......THATS WHERE!

Ads you wont see

2006-05-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Technorati Tags : Benz, BMW, Calvin+Klein, Durex, Puma

Remote Control

2006-05-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

Technorati Tags : remote+control

Impeach Bush

2006-05-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

Technorati Tags : impeach+bush

These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...

2006-05-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

_________________________________________________

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

________________________________________

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

________________________________________

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

__________________________________________

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

___________________________________________

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

___________________________________________

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

___________________________________________

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

"Bollywood" Humour

2006-05-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

What is Mallika Sherawat's method of taking revenge?

It's tits for tat.

Why does Shahrukh Khan drink himself to death in Devdas?

Any self-respecting man would do so if the two beautiful ladies around him would sing 'Dildo La Re Dildo La Re..'

What is the appropriate title for a movie, which stars A.K Hangal and Chunky Pandey?

Hangal Pandey

What will a mother tell her son who is sleeping on a footpath and refuses to get up?

Beta Uth Jaa Warna Salman Aa Jaayega (Get up else Salman will come)

Which are the two countries Mallika Sherawat would like to go on a vacation?

'Bra'zil and 'Thai'land

How would you express your good wishes to Mallika Sherawat?

Bust of Luck!

What would you call Adnan Sami if he becomes half his size?

Adnan Semi.

Why do the exhibitors and distributors prefer to call Mangal Pandey as The Rising?

Because of The'ir' Rising temperatures

If Vivek Oberoi marries Aishwarya and becomes Joru Ka Ghulam what will he be called?

Vivek-Obey-Rai

What will you call the value meal consisting of a bun bread, tea and Pepsi?

Bun Tea and Bubbly

THE BEER PRAYER

2006-05-08T11:44:00.000-07:00

THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
FOREVER AND EVER.

- AMEN

Do u have a male or female brain

2006-05-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

This is very interesting do tell me does it really works for you or not?

Well are u male or a female?

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But, don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text in 15 seconds:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!

OK? How many?

Three? (You r definitely male!!!)

Wrong, there are six - no joke!

Read again!

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED
WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

The reasoning is further down...

The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".

Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has a brain of a
Female!!! Gr8 processing!!!!

You can test this by asking a Guy/Girl (?) near you to work it out.

IF RESUMES TOLD THE TRUTH

2006-05-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

OBJECTIVE

To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION
School : Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don't Ask

EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.

COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
* First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother's wedding *High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.

The snake and the bunny

2006-05-08T11:39:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said
the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been
blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I
too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you
are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have
a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the
bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and
slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone
in senior management

"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

2006-05-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

Men are Happier

2006-05-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your
own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails
with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes. No wonder men are happier...

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it.

-- I aint saying I am good ... I am the best !

STELLA AWARDS.

2006-05-05T01:43:00.000-07:00

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards."

The Stella's are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case
inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits
in the United States. Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury
of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were
understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving
little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get
the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and
a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced
yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog
might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams
who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier
during an argument.

2nd Place:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom
window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was
awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:

This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mrs.Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having
driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back &make herself a
sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded
her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed
their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any
other complete morons around.

Some cool Facts...very interesting

2006-05-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

1] If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your
right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food
on your left side

[2] If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For
when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

[3] Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

[4] Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there
is a thin film of bacteria on it.

[5] The Mercedes-Benz motto is 'Das Beste oder Nichts' meaning 'the
best or nothing'.

[6] The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

[7] The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person
looks at something pleasing.

[8] The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less
sleep a night.

[9] Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the
immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a
day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

[10] Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused
man to make a chicken affectionate."

[11] Dalmatians are born without spots.

[12] Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

[13] The 'v' in the name of a court case does not stand for 'versus',
but for 'and' (in civil proceedings] or 'against' (in criminal proceedings]

[14] Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, but women's shirts
have the buttons on the left

[15] The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All
other birds raise their lower eyelids

[16] The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it's already been
digested by a bee

[17] Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks

[18] The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to
release calming hormones

[19] Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die

[20] Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for
your heart

[21] The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms
which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate

[22] When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red

[23] When Hippos are upset, their sweat turns red

[24] The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used
a tomato can for a carburetor

[25] The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney

[26] Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros

[27] Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag
of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan

[28] It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million
to make a film about it

[29] The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples

[30] There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower

[31] The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the
sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

[32] Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death

[33] It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body

[34] The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

[35] Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game

[36] The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea
in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air

[37] Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are
born, and 140,000 people die

[38] In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is
10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it
look like it is smiling.)

[39] Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish
speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

[40] The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its
head are the rabbit and the parrot

[41] Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

[42] The average person laughs 13 times a day

[43] Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:
Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

[44] Women blink nearly twice as much as men

[45] German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog

[46] Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump

[47] Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than
the speed of sound

[48] Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
trampling the two hapless protesters to death

[49] If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received
in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person
died of natural cause.

[50] The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt
blood 30 feet!!

nice1

2006-05-04T23:56:00.000-07:00

A recently arrived Sardar in the US, wanting to earn some money,
decides to become a 'handy-man' and starts looking for some work in
an upmarket colony nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest
house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for
him to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," the owner says.
The Sardar responds, "How about $50?" The owner says "Fine - there's
a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."
The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation says
to her husband, "Does he realise that the porch goes all around the
house? That's a whole day's job"
The man replies, "He should; he was standing on it. Do you think he's
dumb?" "No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those
stupid Surd email jokes we keep receiving."
A short time later, the Sardar comes to the door and asks for the $
50. "You've finished already?" the husband asks. "Yes," he replies,
"and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him.

And by the way," the Turbanator adds, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW!"

Cows and bruce lee.. Indian Humour

2006-05-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

Advaniism
You have two cows. You don't milk them. You worship them.

Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism
You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.

Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattle-feed for them.

Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Rajivism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Vajpayeeism
You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattle-feed.

Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors' cows.

Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism
You have two cows. You don't milk them; you only lecture to them.

Bruce Lee

1) What is Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
-   Mu Lee

2) What does Bruce Lee like to have for lunch?
-   Tha Lee

3) What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over?
- Kha Lee

4) What is Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
-   Saa Lee

5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast?
- Id Lee

6) Bruce Lee's favourite festival
-   Diwa Lee

7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
- Sona lee

8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
- Qawa lee

9) Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
-   Coo Lee

10) When did Bruce Lee die?
- Final Lee

11) How did Bruce Lee die?
-   With a Go Lee

12) What is Bruce Lee's favorite hill station
- Kulu Mana Lee

13)What is Bruce Lee's nick name?
-   Mawa Lee

14)What is Bruce Lee's favorite Hindi movie?
- Gharwa LEE Baharwa LEE

15)Who is Bruce Lee's favourite cricketer?
-   Saurav Gangu LEE

16)Which God does Bruce Lee pray too?
-   Bajrang ba LEE

17]How does Bruce Lee behave with others?
- Cordial Lee

18]What ghee does Bruce Lee consume?
- Ass Lee

19]What dos Bruce Lee do when does not know the
answer?
- Dilly Da Lee

20]Who does Bruce Lee buy rossogullas from?
- Benga Lee

21] What garment does Bruce Lee enjoy taking off?
- Cho Lee

22]At which sea face in Mumbai does Bruce Lee draw his fresh air?
- Wor Lee

23]How does Bruce Lee complain?
- Bitter Lee

24]How does Bruce Lee lose a war?
- Utter Lee

The Rambo Granny of Melbourne , Australia

2006-05-04T23:10:00.000-07:00

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs
raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting
ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she
found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said
Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the
nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told
him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say
convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and
his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
hotel room wherehe and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29,
were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but
doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy,
Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he
won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters.
Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just
happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter
Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two
knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.
"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital,
I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause
I figured the Law would go easy on them,"

recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them,
either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my
life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed
about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's
description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days
prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place
till she spotted the illfated rapists entering their flophouse hotel
I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was
them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the
door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right
square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know.

Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to
meto spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with
the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law,
but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det.
Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to
nominate her for Mayor.

DEPORT HER TO INDIA --- WE NEED HER !!

Notice Who Votes

2006-05-04T01:50:00.000-07:00

They breed, they vote, they're alive! I hope they're voting on the
other ticket!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it
saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three
days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at
it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this
deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . .These people Vote

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the
sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
East, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I
don't keep up with that stuff". . . . . . . .She ALSO votes!

I use to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
. . . . . He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in
a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car
was moving" . . . . . She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
. . . . .My sister ALSO votes!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount . . . . He
ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a
person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which
way the head is turned. . . . . . My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
"has your plane arrived yet? " . . . SHE ALSO votes!

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small
pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . . . .Yep, he votes too.

Why I fired my secretary...

2006-04-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that
morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say,"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.As it
turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy
birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..As I
walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss.
"Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and
said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your
birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went
out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do
we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I
think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more
exciting". "Sure!" I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom
and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake
----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----on the couch ----Naked !!

Family Loop

2006-04-26T20:52:00.000-07:00

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow,
Pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
Now my daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up-daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Some whacky quotes

2006-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it. - Franklin P. Jones

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Math Students Love Letter

2006-04-26T20:44:00.000-07:00

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.

You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Funny Classifieds

2006-04-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

Top 9 Funniest News paper C lassifieds (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers) 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. (man....if only I knew A B C....) 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. (sure...thanx for the warning!) 3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. (in months or years?) 4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. (check it out) 5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. (howwww sweeeet) 6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. (wow! A free trip to heaven?) 7. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. (uh...huh!) 8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. (hey....who taught cows the bad habit??) 9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. (nice work!)******************************
Two guys in a bar... One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo! What the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't Mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house."

About Poker players

2006-04-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and
drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me"

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

What they dont teach in B schools

2006-04-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing !"

Boyz will be Boyz

2006-04-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the
first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to
Introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first". Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub".

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In
fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next".

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next".

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub".

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next".

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble
in the bathtub".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds".

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next".

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes".

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.

You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a
day"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

A different sardar

2006-04-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

A Sardarji and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The Sardarji explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the maninsists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the Sardarji, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. But we didn't use them", the Sardarji complains. Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says But we didn't go to any of those shows," sardarji complains again . "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the sardarji replies "But we didn't use it" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Sardarji finally gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when the looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $1.00" "That's right," says the sardarji, "I charged you $349 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the Sardarji replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Quotes

2006-04-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

During a period of upheaval at the company where
I worked, a number of office relocations were
occurring. Having assisted with various
moves, I considered myself quite the expert. So
when I saw two colleagues struggling to carry a
heavy desk up a flight of stairs, I went
over and advised them that the desk would be
much lighter if they removed the drawers. They
duly took out the drawers. Then they
balanced them on top of the desk and continued up the stairs.

- Deborah Hitchin

My sister-in-law, a teacher, was pulled over
for failing to come to a complete stop. The
officer wrote out a ticket and handed it to her
with some advice: "Drive safe."
"Safely," she replied.
"What?" the officer asked.
"You've corrected my driving," she explained.
"Allow me to correct your grammar."

- Therese Jelinski

After his marriage broke up, my manager became
very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water.
Together we made mud."

- Lori Phillips

Clearly I was not going to win the battle of
bulge on my own so I decided to join a gym.
"Before you start working out, we like to do a
health assessment," explained the gym
representative. "When you come in, wear loose fitting clothing."
"If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

-Kelly Blackwell

Zilah, my favourite aunt, is 74 and, as she
herself puts it, she's completely "together."
However, I went to her house the other day and
she appeared to be worried. After much
insistence, she confessed, "Darling, I think I'm
getting old. Yesterday I went to the movies and
rode a cab home."
"And what's wrong with that?"
I inquired. "I completely forgot I'd driven my own car there!"

- José Cláudio Garcia

As I passed the receptionist at our local
senior centre, I noticed that she was rummaging
through the lost-and-found box with one hand
while holding the telephone in the other. "I'm
sorry," she eventually told the caller.
"They're not here. If they turn up, we'll call you at once."
"What were you looking for?" a colleague asked.
"He wanted to know if anyone had turned in his teeth," she replied.
"He needs them for lunch."

- Elsie Morris

News that her third child was going to be a
girl thrilled my cousin, who already had two
boys. "My husband wants to call her Sunny,"
she told me, "and I want to give her Anna as
her middle name in memory of my mum." I thought
they might want to reconsider their
decision, since their birth announcement would
herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.

- Carolyn Wallis

Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in
our computer room during a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows,
Idiot's Guide to PowerPoint..."

- James Salt

My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate
chip cookies for the first time when he asked my
mother, "Why do I have to leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It
says right here, 'Leave room for spreading.'"

- Scott DeGieo

The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of
dozens of wooden squares. I decided I'd slice
railway ties into five-centimetre thick
pieces for the sections. That's what I told the
clerk at the lumber yard. "You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have
one question. How old do you want to be when you finish?"

- Judy Myers

Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in
college. You might be the one getting the
surprise. I learned this the hard way when I swung
by my son's campus during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was the building he lived
in, I rang the doorbell. "Yeah?" a voice called
from inside. "Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the
front porch. We'll drag him in later."

- Jericho Housman

Kinds of Sex

2006-04-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

Did you realize that there are 7 kinds of sex?!

I ----- SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah,I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

II ----- LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

III ----- QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

IV ----- CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

V ------ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'

VI --- NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr.old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment... killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly .

A riddle

2006-04-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

Keep Thinking Hard!!!

Google Romance

2006-04-02T06:36:00.000-07:00

Feeling Lucky???

Have you seen Google's latest service? Google Romance has arrived.

As they say, When you think about it, love is just another search problem. And we've thought about it. A lot.

Google Romance is our solution.Google Romance is a place where you can post all types of romantic information and, using our Soulmate Search, get back search results that could, in theory, include the love of your life. Then we'll send you both on a Contextual Date, which we'll pay for while delivering to you relevant ads that we and our advertising partners think will help produce the dating results you're looking for.

While you're checking it out, make sure to take the tour . Read it all the way through.

While they've obviously put a lot of resources into Google Romance, I do get the feeling that it might only be operating today so get in quick.

Technorati Tags : google+romance

A Sergeant's Story

2006-04-02T06:30:00.000-07:00

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME !!!!